Is it possible to have self-improvement without self-criticism? And wouldn’t it be lovely if it were?
The Trouble with New Year’s Resolutions
For many of us, the turning of the calendar to a new year is a time for turning over a new leaf in our life as well. We see this time of year as a chance to begin again with new “resolutions” for our behavior and habits in the year to come.
But often this urge to reformation is driven by an inner sense of wrongness. “I’m fat.” “I’m out of shape.” “I need to get out of debt.” There’s often a painful self-criticism underneath the resolutions to change.
We also know that New Year’s resolutions don’t usually last very long. That new exercise program stays in place for about ten days, doesn’t it?
That’s not surprising. I’d say that any plan for change that’s driven by self-criticism has got two strikes against it. That’s because the real source of the problem isn’t being addressed, and neither are the feelings underneath it.
Focusing and the Urge to Change One’s Life
What if I sit down to do some Focusing with the feeling that I have to do something to change my life… quit eating sugar… go to the gym regularly… quit eating at restaurants during the week…
I’ll very likely find that under the urge to DO something there is some kind of painful self-criticism. Things are NOT okay the way they are. I take time to sense all that in my body, being willing to stand the uncomfortable felt sense of it all. I acknowledge the part of me that can’t stand the way it is, that is impatient and urgent for me to change. (It’s really afraid of something…) And I acknowledge another part of me that’s lurking under that, the one that’s being criticized and called names… but what might happen if IT had a voice too?
There’s no predicting where this process will go, except that all Focusing takes us in the direction of fuller life. And it’s not for the faint-hearted. It can be a lot easier to resolve to go to the gym three times a week, than to sit with these murky hard-to- define feelings.
They’re not mutually exclusive! I can do Focusing AND resolve to change my life. The difference is this: Carrying out my resolution after doing Focusing feels like a serene adult deciding to do what’s right, rather than a rebellious kid being whipped into shape. Which is more likely to last?
For more about Focusing with inner criticizing parts and the parts they’re criticizing, see the article “Radical Gentleness” in my new book The Radical Acceptance of Everything…