“My sister scorns, dismisses and ignores me.”
A Reader writes:
“I have a problem that’s been going on for years, that’s never going to be resolved because any real resolution would need the help and understanding of the other person involved, my sister. She denies me this. I haven’t seen her now for nearly twenty years and keep infrequent, superficial contact which feels sometimes mocking and always hurtful. Unbelievably, something in me is still driven to try to communicate with her about how I feel, while another equally strong part is telling me that I will be scorned/dismissed/ignored as has been the pattern of past experience. So nothing happens.
“The problem has been exacerbated in recent months because I need to make contact with my sister over a relatively small matter. That need not be a problem in itself, as long as I suppress my feelings and don’t refer to what troubles me.
“In writing this I hear a voice telling me ‘Of course you must not even think of exposing yourself to that danger again. If you do, you only have yourself to blame.’
This voice seems so strong just now. Yet I know the old one will come back, implying that I have a responsibility to keep trying to resolve things, to communicate more clearly and that if I don’t understand why she behaved the way she did, it is because I am a failure.”
Dear Reader,
You have two very strong parts there, and they both sound like they are trying to protect you.
One of them is trying to protect you from the hurt it predicts will happen again if you have contact with your sister. It brings up memories of what has happened between the two of you in the past, as a way of showing you what it doesn’t want you to have to go through again.
But there is another pain, a pain that is ongoing right now, the pain that underlies the part of you that has the urge to resolve things.
So there are two parts, one that holds you back from action, the other that urges you to action. And as it is right now, you are pulled back and forth between them, first sure that one of them is right, and getting some momentary peace from that…but then feeling the pull of the other.
I see so many people struggling as you are struggling. Many of the people who write to me are caught in similar dilemmas. The details are different, but the pattern is the same – two seemingly opposite parts, pulling in different directions, stuck in the pain of it all…and the urgency for something to change.
Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” In that same spirit, there is no way through a dilemma like this by staying at the same level as the dilemma. Remaining stuck and in pain is the inevitable result of staying identified with the reactive emotional parts.
You can be Self-in-Presence no matter what the other person does.
Being Self-in-Presence means identifying with your largest possible Self, where you are the space for all your parts, you are the wholeness of you. Barbara McGavin and I have identified a dozen ways to cultivate Self-in-Presence within the context of Inner Relationship Focusing.
One of the ways is to feel your own grounding, the contact of your feet on the ground, your seat on the chair, any part of you touching what you’re sitting on. To just feel the support beneath you allows you to expand your sense of your Self.
Then you can say to yourself, “I am the space where all of my parts can be heard and understood.” You are the compassionate listener to anything inside you.
There is a part of you that thinks that you need your sister’s cooperation for anything in this painful issue to change. But that doesn’t mean that that is true. Our parts have only a partial view; they aren’t good advisers about truth. What they do know is how they feel, and what they are trying to protect you from. So sit down, be Self-in-Presence, and listen compassionately to this part of you that wants resolution with your sister. What I suggest you listen to is whatever this part of you most needs you to hear. And then there will be a time when you listen to the other part as well.
The discipline is not to get caught up in a discussion about what action is right. Listen beyond the urge to action. By that I mean, when the part tells you “We have to take this action,” you say back, “Thank you, and please let me know what you are worried will happen if we don’t take that action.” Whatever it says, let it know you hear it, and invite it to let you know what it’s not wanting to happen if that happens.
Being Self-in-Presence and listening beyond the urge to action is the key to resolving this kind of stuck, painful dilemma. You don’t see it now, but there is a way.