“A part of me wanted to hurt my son, and didn’t want me to do Focusing.”
Silvia writes:
“I had a question coming up this weekend. Had a hard time with my oldest son, and found a part that really wanted to hurt him, and managed to just be with that part. It was a lot easier (before I would just freak out when something like that came up) because I have the trust now that when something is ready it will change, and that resisting it will only make it persist.
“I was standing in the kitchen this morning and was really identified with my anger and frustration, and felt so much resentment. So standing there, I was just wondering: How can I work with this, being so identified that I do not want to go into Focusing (and also not wanting to Focus on the part that does not want to Focus, I only want to feel resentment, to justify myself, to think all these yucky things about my son….how would you deal with such a situation?
“I do notice a lot of difference in myself since starting Focusing, especially recognizing the parts, which makes it easier to deal with the situation.”
Dear Silvia,
Yes, there are parts of us that don’t want us to do Focusing, because they don’t want to stop feeling what they are feeling. Resentment, anger, frustration, those are the kinds of feelings that are often like this.
Maybe these parts of us believe that they will lose something if we do Focusing with them. Maybe they don’t know that they will get a chance to tell their story; they will get a chance to pour out what makes them so angry and resentful — to a compassionate listening ear.
Maybe they are afraid that if you do Focusing with them, you will start to soften, and they don’t want that.
And yet at that moment — standing in the kitchen this morning — you were NOT completely identified with those feelings. You did have a larger awareness, enough to know that you were so identified!
How would I deal with it? I would suggest that you start talking (silently) to the parts of you feeling so angry and resentful and frustrated, like this: “Yes, I really hear how angry you are. Of course. No wonder you are angry. No wonder you feel so frustrated. No wonder you don’t want to do Focusing. I really hear you just want to feel the resentment. Yes, and I really sense how big that feeling is…”
So you, Self-in-Presence, are there, hearing the feelings as big as they are. There is no hint that they would ever need to be any smaller. They are so big that they don’t even want you to do Focusing. Let them know you hear that!
Hear it as big as it is
Once I was listening to two people do a Focusing exchange.
The Focuser said, “This place in my chest is feeling really, really, really sad.”
The Companion said back, “You’re sensing that place in your chest is really sad.”
The Focuser paused, then said, “No, it’s really, really, really sad! It needs three ‘really’s’!”
And then the two of them laughed. But it was true! Only when the sad place was heard as it was, did it have the space it needed.
We don’t make someone feel worse by hearing how they feel exactly as big as it is. And the same is true of our own feelings. When we hear them as big as they are, WE are there, hearing them. That is already a big change. And then the feelings can change as well.