When a sensation gets stronger instead of releasing…
Debby writes:
“Last weekend I was Focusing with my Focusing partner. I felt a pressure on my forehead. The moment I gave words to it, like ‘pressure,’ ‘right above the right eyebrow,’ the pressure started to press harder. This surprised me because I usually feel relief the moment I give words to the sense. I said to my Focusing partner that another part of me wanted the pressure to get softer. I could barely keep my attention with it. My Focusing partner made suggestions, like asking the pressure-part what it needed and inviting me to set the pressure at a bigger distance. But the pressure-part kept being really strong. It was a relief when my partner said it was time to end the session. I had a headache for half an hour after the session.
“Now, my question is: if a/the sense is so strong, is it a good idea to stand by it or what do I or my Focusing partner do?”
Dear Debby,
When an uncomfortable sensation gets stronger, it can be a real challenge to our philosophy of “the radical acceptance of everything!”
Let’s remember, though, that our felt experiences come in the way they need to come, in the place and at the intensity that they need to be felt, in order to be met and to carry forward to what is next for them.
If this is true (and I believe it is), then any attempt to change our felt experience from the way it is will simply delay the process of carrying forward and life-forward change.
At the same time, strong and even painful body experiences can be hard to stay with. Of course!
You were aware, during the process, of another part of you wanting the pressure to get softer. Good for you for being aware of that. What I would recommend next is to invite that part to let you know what it is worried about. You will likely get answers such as, “It’s worried this will keep getting worse and worse,” and “It’s worried I can’t do my work today if this lasts all day.” So then you acknowledge the worries of this part of you. (It usually calms down a bit.)
Now turn back to the uncomfortable sensation. You, as Self-in-Presence, can trust that it is strong like this for some good reason, from its point of view. So turn toward it with compassion and interested curiosity, and say, “I sense you there, and I really sense how strong you are!” Its strength, you see, may well be part of its message.
For example, in a recent Focusing session of this type, the Focuser said, “Oh! I’m sensing that it’s afraid if it isn’t strong, I am going to ignore it.”
What to do (and what not to do)
What might a Focusing partner do in such a case? I would recomment saying something like, “You might take your time to sense it just as it is.” And: “You might say hello to any other part of you that finds it hard to be with.”
What I do NOT recommend would be any suggestions that try to get the experience to change, and come from the point of view that what is happening is not OK.
“What does it need in order to release?” is something I would not recommend…because the implication is that it should release, and we need to do something to make it do so.
“Maybe you can set it at a bigger distance” is also something I would not recommend. Do you see how that assumes it is not OK as it is?
Really the most transformational thing you can do with any strong felt experience is feel it exactly as it is…really sense into it…and describe it, using fresh metaphors, as if you are encountering it for the very first time ever. This is a method I even use with the pain from a sudden injury. I find that the pain does intensify at first…but as I stay with it, purely sensing and allowing it to be as it is, the experience shifts.
It’s when we get identified with an inner struggle with these experiences that they stay the same and don’t change.