Focusing Tip #441
“If the Focuser feels shame about telling something, how would you deal with that?”
Christopher writes:
I have been wondering how you view feelings and thoughts the Focuser has towards the Companion. If, for instance, the Focuser feels shame about telling something, how would you deal with that? Would you encourage him to talk about this, or would you prefer to stay with an intrapsychic focus?
Dear Christopher,
You are pointing to a key difference between Focusing partnership and Focusing-oriented psychotherapy. A psychotherapist might engage the Focuser (client) in a conversation about “how you are experiencing me right now.” A Focusing partner never would.
Focusing partnership, from the point of view of the Companion, is very simple. You are simply being there, making an accepting space for the Focuser to explore his or her felt senses. Within this simplicity, much subtlety is possible. But fundamentally, the Focuser guides his/her own session and the Companion follows along.
So what if the Focuser says something about the Companion? For example, “Something in me feels ashamed to be saying these things to you right now.”
I would reflect: “You are sensing…something in you feeling shame…at even saying these things to me right now.”
And if the person was feeling any doubt whether it was all right to say such a thing, those doubts would probably be eased by the warm and welcoming tone of my voice, which communicates: “This too is OK to feel and to say.” I don’t have to say that out loud, and I’d feel a bit funny about saying it out loud…as if it’s up to me to accept what the other person is saying. It isn’t up to me…but I do accept it.
There’s nothing that has to be spoken.
There’s one other thing I might do, if someone is new to Focusing and having a session with me.
If the person says something like, “If I get into the whole story, I feel like there would be a lot of shame to be saying these things to you.”
I usually respond: “And those feelings are welcome, I can help you be with them…but I also want to let you know that there is nothing you have to tell me. You can sense from inside whether this is the right time and the right amount to be saying right now.”
The person usually feels a lot of relief, because the power to sense what is right to share right now has come back to them. I love that about Focusing — there is nothing that you have to say.