Focusing Tip #508
“I was shocked, and doubly shocked at how vulnerable I had just been.”
Mary Anne writes:
I’m remembering a time when I was not listened to at all (by someone who is a coach). I had just shared two important things, and the listener absolutely did not receive me. I was shocked, and doubly shocked at how vulnerable I had just been. In that moment, I saw that most important was that I step up to my own need and really listen to me, really receive those two tender places, which I did, inside myself.
I had to stop the session, and my partner felt bad, because in my description of how I felt, she knew that she had not listened to me.
Any suggestions for what else could I have done?
Dear Mary Anne:
How beautiful that you gave yourself the empathy you needed at that moment! And yes you did need it… not only for what you originally said, but also for the double shock you received at not being heard.
Being received by another person with empathy is a priceless gift. It allows space for whatever is next in our process to emerge.
When we can receive empathy for what is present and true, what comes next is potentially something that never formed before: an insight, a new understanding, a fresh sense of possibility.
And this is priceless.
So when you don’t receive that precious empathy from another person, the absolute best thing you can do is give yourself empathy for that.
What else can you do? I’ve found that the easiest way to ask to be heard is to simply repeat what I said. When the person hears it twice, they will usually understand that this is something I need them to simply hear, just as it is.
Any of us might miss hearing the person in front of us. Any of us might be distracted or caught up in some other agenda. It happens.
Often the best we can do is stay present and stay curious. And then be open to whatever happens next.
