Focusing Tip #530
“When you and the other person are both triggered in a conflictual discussion, what can you do to connect and move through it?”
Kathleen writes:
A question: What ways could Focusing be a vehicle for conflict resolution? For example, when I am with a group of people (or one on one) and a topic comes up that leads to conflict. I am curious how Focusing could be naturally brought into the conversation. Since in conflict it is easy to react by flight, fight or freeze I was wondering what ways Focusing could be a vehicle to help bring about a way to have a meaningful connection with the other person. I think saying to someone who doesn’t know about Focusing: “It sounds like a part of you is very frustrated about this issue” would seem off-putting.
Dear Kathleen:
So you are with one person or a group of people, and a topic comes up that leads to conflict.
Your point is such a good one, that in conflict it is easy to react by “flight, fight, or freeze.” Meaning that some part of us experiences conflict as a source of danger and threat.
Ideally then we would not be taken over by our scared parts which want to defend, fight back, escape, or freeze. Instead we would be Self-in-Presence, and be curious… both about our own reactions and about the reactions of the other person (or people).
The first place to give attention when conflict arises is in yourself.
The parts of you that are getting scared, anxious, worried, etc., need your company. You can inwardly say Hello to them without anyone else needing to know you are doing that.
Next turn your attention to the other person and what they are saying. The most powerful and connecting thing you can do is Be Curious!
What matters to that person? Why is this topic a source of passion or even anger? What might be at stake for them? What are they worried will happen if their point doesn’t win the day?
I agree with you– I wouldn’t use any formula language that the person isn’t familiar with.
What helps me is to remember is that behind every emotional argument is Wanting and Not Wanting. I’m going to be listening for what the person is really wanting and really not wanting. Like perhaps, “I’m guessing this is important to you because you don’t want to have higher costs. Is that right?”
And because it is a conversation, I get to have a turn too. And I don’t mind waiting until the other person feels heard enough that they have some readiness to hear me. For example, “Would this be a good time for me to tell you how my plan would also lower costs?”