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I Know I’m in There Somewhere:
A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a
Life of Authenticity
This article
originally appeared in the July 2003 issue of The Focusing
Connection (Subscribe).
"At last! Finally! Yes!" These are my reactions as I
hold this beautiful and inspiring, warm, wise, and funny book
in my hands. How rare it is that something appears which is so
validating of the Focusing viewpoint, yet positioned for such
a wide audience! We Focusers tend too much to write and speak
for and to each other – I'm as guilty of this as anyone
– and forget that our messages and methods have wide application
for a world of people hungry for ways to understand and heal themselves
and their relationships. I Know I'm in There Somewhere
delivers on every level: the deep veins of the Focusing philosophy
are offered in a nurturing matrix of wisdom, speaking directly
to the hearts and souls of women (and by implication men as well)
who are yearning to find again the inner guidance to en-spirit
their lives.
Helene Brenner is a longtime Focusing teacher and Focusing-oriented
therapist, and a dear friend and colleague of mine. (I should
say in the interest of full disclosure that I am mentioned a number
of times in this book, and I'm proud that my "formulations
and practices" have contributed to something so fine.) Helene
got the idea to write this book when she realized that something
consistent was happening with her therapy clients. I'll let her
tell it: "Working with my clients, I found that at some point
in therapy, they would have moments when a switch would occur
in their consciousness. ... Women would go from seeing themselves
and their lives from the outside to feeling them from the inside.
They'd feel a surge of good feeling about who they were, and whatever
they thought they had to change about themselves they'd see in
an entirely new light.
"I saw these experiences as central to the therapy I was
doing. I saw women come more alive as they trusted more and more
what their own hearts, minds, and souls were telling them. And
I looked for ways to help women come to their own inner voices
more quickly and predictably." This book is the result.
There is something quite radical in this book. Helene writes:
"I truly believe that you don't have to change or fix or
improve yourself in order to be happy." And: "You don't
have to be bigger or braver or smarter or more organized than
you are to begin pursuing your inner visions -- and you don't
have to clean out your closets first!" Why does almost anyone
interested in personal growth own shelves full of self-help books,
mostly unread and certainly unsatisfying? Because most of these
books give a subtle or not-so-subtle message that something is
wrong with you and you must fix yourself (with their exercises
and methods) in order to be OK. It's the saddest trick of modern
culture: evoke an inadequacy and then sell the remedy that claims
to fill it.
We know that something is wrong, somehow, and so no wonder we
buy these books. Yet the experience of being "wrong"
inside is a key part of the problem, and having it reinforced
truly doesn't help. On the other hand, that sense of wrongness
does need to be heard, as a starting place. Helene walks this
line with grace, filling me with admiration: rarely does a book
for a popular audience have so much of a sense of holding the
ambiguity: being able to affirm that both are true -- something
is wrong, and we are deeply OK.
"What really works is so simple it's hard to believe. It's
stopping your efforts to fix. It's getting below all the voices
in your mind telling you what's wrong with you and how to change
yourself and simply allowing what is truly happening to emerge.
And then accepting and being with it, exactly as it is. Time and
time again, this has made all the difference in the world."
The key message of this book is that women (and all of us really)
have lost connection with something Helene calls "the inner
voice," and that reconnecting with it is the key to living
a fulfilled and fulfilling life. What is the inner voice? I wondered
as I began to read. Is she really talking about Focusing by another
name? The answer I came to find is that the inner voice is not
the same as Focusing, but it's something Focusing can help us
find.
"When it feels right, there's a sense of an inner resonance,
an inner matching. When a thought or an action doesn't match,
it feels 'dissonant', discordant, wrong, like something within
you disagreeing. I know that people are getting back in touch
with their inner self when they stop saying, 'Why am I doing this?
What's wrong with me? Can you make this bad feeling go away?'
and begin checking with themselves and saying, for example, 'Gee,
I thought I felt this way, but I really don't. This is how I feel.'"
The inner voice as Helene describes it is something that everyone
who does Focusing will know, I'm sure. Yet perhaps we haven't
had as much validation for it, certainly not from the culture
around us, as we need in order to really believe in it. "Your
inner voice is the wisdom of your entire self as it makes itself
known to you. It expresses itself in many ways; as impulses, as
urges, as body feelings, as a sense of knowing what you need and
what to do, as a deep desire, and sometimes as a wisdom that can
seem to come from beyond your physical body. Your inner voice
directs you toward greater fulfillment in your life the way a
flower turns toward the sun."
If you want belief in the power of the inner voice experience,
all you have to do is read the many stories Helene has collected,
mostly from her own clients' experiences, about their realizations
and transformations. I loved the story of Robin, a minister who
had stopped enjoying her work, and in fact had stopped enjoying
practically everything. She was smiling and smiling, hiding her
feelings from everyone -- including herself -- until the day in
Helene's office when she acknowledged how painful life had become.
"I just sat there with her, accompanying her in that painful
corner of time where there are no answers, and the only comfort
is the acknowledgement of the truth. She sat sobbing quietly,
tears rolling down her cheeks.
"The next week she had tears in her eyes -- but for a different
reason. 'This is the way I used to feel, but I can't even remember
when,' she said. 'I feel alive again. I talk to my congregation
all the time about love. But this week, my stepson hugged me and
said, "I love you," and for the first time, for the
first time, I felt it.'"
As Focusers we know that, as Eugene Gendlin puts it, "a few
moments of feeling it in your body allows it to change."
But we aren't used to living in a world that supports and validates
that knowing. And we haven't had enough articulate and compassionate
voices speaking out for this way of being that is not a way of
fixing. What a blessing it is to read about Helene's "ABC's:
Acknowledging, Being With, and Compassion." Isn't that truly
what it's all about? What a thrill of hope I feel as I imagine
this book going forth in the world, making an impact (Helene has
already taped one national talk-show appearance, and there will
be more) with wisdom like this: "Acknowledging means acknowledging
whatever you discover is true inside, without judgment, even if
it's a feeling or a want that you don't think you 'should' have.
When you acknowledge, you are not denying your experience. You
are not trying to change, fix, or wish it away, and you are not
making it smaller or bigger, better or worse than it is. You are
simply letting your inner experience be, exactly the way it is."
Or this: "Compassion has many names. Gentleness. Empathy.
Tenderness. Loving-kindness. Even softness. Compassion, especially
self-compassion, is at the very heart of living from your inner
voice. Nothing can be accomplished without it; with it, you can
bring about miracles. When it is extended to any part of your
self that is stuck in suffering, that part begins to heal. Extend
compassion toward the hurt, angry, and fearful places, the vulnerable
places, the foolish places, the clumsy and 'defective' places,
and even the darkest, most unacceptable places inside of yourself
and others, and you'll begin to feel a peace, calm and presence
within you that you can barely imagine."
Therapists Take Note
This book works on so many levels, and I need to mention one that
stood out for me: the master therapist. In Helene's varied practice
there have been clients of all kinds, including women who have
survived trauma and abuse. A number of the stories in her book
are about such women, and I can imagine that anyone who works
with clients healing from severe past pain would be inspired and
supported by Helene's willingness to share what she actually said
and did with such clients. Sometimes popular books offer methods
that would work only if the person trying them were already 99%
fully functioning. Helene makes it clear that some of her clients
have been quite depressed and have faced severe setbacks. Treating
these issues with great respect, she also offers hope, and that
is priceless.
One can't help but feel how lucky Helene's clients are to have
her -- listening, encouraging, teaching a little, sometimes even
intervening. Take Simone, who had "what looked like the very
model of a modern egalitarian marriage." Both she and her
husband worked and cooked and did the household chores. But her
husband was following his dream, and Simone wasn't.
"'You know, I always learned that when you got married, you
worked together, you became part of a team,' she told me.
"'Yes, that's true,' I agreed. 'But I have to wonder, is
he part of your team?'"
The Five Pathways
There is much more in this book than I can cover in this review.
The validation of needs is a powerful gift to anyone who has ever
called themselves "needy." The section on "outer
voices" gives a different perspective on what we often call
the inner critic. The two chapters on following the inner voice
in relationships are so packed with helpful guidance that they
could certainly be a book in themselves -- and I hope they will.
What I do want to describe before stopping is something Helene
calls the Five Pathways to the Inner Voice: Knowing, Sensing,
Feeling, Wanting, and the Voice of the Larger Self. It is these
five helpful and practical chapters, filled with stories and what
Helene calls "Innercizes," that form the heart of the
book.
Knowing. When we feel confused and stuck
in our lives, we often find ourselves saying, "I don't know."
Helene offers specific techniques for unlocking our inner knowing,
for finding out and affirming what we do know. Following the Innercize
"What Do I Know to Be True?", I could easily see how
to start with what I know and let that knowing expand, instead
of getting stopped by how much I don't know.
Sensing. This is the chapter in which Focusing
is central, in a message that Focusers will recognize and applaud,
while gaining perhaps new insights into its universality. "While
many still believe that it is only through transcending the body
and its feelings that one reaches a more spiritual state of being,
I believe the very opposite is true. Predominantly, the inner
voice speaks through the body. Your path and purpose in life and
the steps you need to take become much clearer when you open up
the pathway that leads to your inner senses. Sensing the body,
far from drawing you away from your mind or your spirit, actually
leads you to an expanded sense of self."
Feeling. This chapter is called "Having
Your Feelings Without Them Having You." This is indeed the
key that so many people out there don't know: that you can be
with your emotions without becoming them. As Gendlin used to say,
"To find out how the soup smells, you don't have to stick
your head in it." Sitting with our feelings, listening to
the unheard voices, and the power of validation are just a few
of the gems in I Know I'm in Here Somewhere.
Wanting. I have long believed that desire
is the "compass needle of the soul," and Helene's approach
to the importance of wanting is right in line with this. In this
chapter called "The Lost Art of Wanting," she emphasizes
the power of wanting. "Wanting is the psychological vehicle,
the motor, the muscle, that moves you from where you are to where
you are going. ... Your true wants are at the very core of you,
expressing your individuality, because they are as unique and
individual as your fingerprint." The Innercizes in this chapter
are delightfully enticing, as are the ones in the twin chapter
on Manifesting later in the book. We are invited to claim our
wants, shown what to do with desires that are really too much
right now (make a "ten-degree change"), and let the
process of wanting be our guide.
The Voice of the Larger Self. Like much
of Focusing itself, this is a profoundly spiritual book if you
read between the lines. In this chapter, the spiritual perspective
is made explicit. The voice of the Larger Self is the "spiritual
guide within," and the stories Helene tells of people in
the midst of pain getting in touch with this voice are deeply
moving. Almost by accident, as she tells it, she learned how to
guide her clients to get in touch with this Larger Self and hear
its voice. "I have heard countless Larger Self messages by
now, and what strikes me most, besides their incredible gentleness
and warmth, is how they share themes that have been repeated in
the sacred texts of all religions: You are not alone. You are
loved, exactly as you are. You have a path and a purpose all your
own for being on Earth, and you can start unfolding toward that
purpose at any moment. You are larger and more protected than
you think, and needn't defend yourself as much as you imagine.
Love is the most important quality to manifest in all of your
relationships." This too comes in and through the body, so
these messages are known and sensed -- and therefore lead to true
transformation.
The Gift of a Writer
As gifted as Helene is as a therapist, that's how gifted her husband
Larry Letich is as a writer. After Helene formed the clear intention
to write this book, Larry stepped in and became her full-time
writing partner. He is also a Focusing teacher, and a published
author on gender issues and politics. No one who knows Larry could
imagine that he kept his own ideas out of the formation of this
book! The truth is, this book is the result of a partnership of
these two compassionate and brilliant beings, building on their
unusually close marriage of over twenty years and the interweaving
of their minds, hearts and spirits. Larry and Helene are each
other's best friends, and it shows. I Know I'm in There Somewhere
has been written and rewritten until it shines like a jewel, and
it was Larry who did most of that, especially in the chapters
on making Focusing understandable.
I can't resist mentioning how funny this book is. I chuckled often
as I was reading it. Here's one example: "This leads to my
'toothpaste tube' theory of personal growth. You never know what
you're capable of until you're being squeezed."
I think you've figured out by this time that I really love and
believe in this book. I'm recommending it, not just to you, but
to your families, your friends, your co-workers, your neighbors...
This is a "buy ten and give nine away" type of book.
We've always known that Focusing could change the world. I
Know I'm in There Somewhere may be the best tool for that
purpose we've had in many years. Let's use it!
Order
I Know I'm in There Somewhere
Special Offer: order I Know I'm in There Somewhere, by
Helene Brenner with Laurence Letich using our secure online web
store and get $2 off the cover price.
Softcover, 283 pages
Cost: $12.00
