Hi Ann,
I really value your insights. Hopefully I can take a course further than Level 1 at some point. But even so, I find that focusing has helped me more than anything else.
In your video with Jay Earley, I found it helpful to see that the various parts are there because of a lack of integration of the whole (self). This makes me wonder if it’s possible or helpful to listen the various, “competing” parts during one “sitting,” and if that might be helpful in bringing them together. I tried that the other day, and it found it somewhat calming. I would love to know your thoughts on that.
Hi Daphne, Wow, after just one Level of Focusing training you’ve found that Focusing has helped you more than anything else! That’s huge. I’m just pausing to take that in.
As for your question about whether it’s helpful to have “competing” parts with you in one session – yes, absolutely. Not that we need to do anything to try to bring them together, but just to acknowledge – “you are there, AND you are there too…” Doing this helps you to feel in an embodied way that YOU are not any of the parts.
I love it that you are doing this! And it is very helpful. I have been Focusing for about six years now, and the being grounded in Self In Presence is absolutely the key. As you say, sometimes getting to Self In Presence is itself difficult to do – often at the very time that you need it! I loved your suggestions and I really look forward to the next episodes. Thanks a million!
I’m wondering if you are reading from your new book, Presence? I have it in my calendar that it can finally be ordered next week. I am so looking forward to that! Now that “presence” is beginning to be more commonly discussed, I’m hoping it will make IR Focusing more widely known to have such a title in your collection of publications.
I definitely agree with everything you have said on this video. Having had my share of experiences with these suggestions, I definitely know they work.
On some occasions though, I remember being overcome with emotions so strong that I could only describe my experience of attempting to be present with them as hanging on to a small tree during a fierce hurricane. The “winds” of energy whipping my body would get that powerful.
On one of those occasions, when NOTHING else seemed to work, one day it occurred to me that this was my own life force in action and that I could AT LEAST admire it for being what it was being in the moment. So I let it know I appreciated it for being so incredibly strong and powerful, dynamic and determined in whipping up that storm of emotional energy. It must have been just what I needed to crack some unseen layer of judgment because it heard me and started to weep for being truly seen at last. And that was the beginning of the winding down.
This is wonderful and I’m eager to get the next segments. I have a dear friend I’d like to share this with … may I? I’m hoping she’ll take you up on the offer the be in touch.
blessings and thanks, have a lovely day,
Ruth Anne
The frustration I’m experiencing when I hear your video is that It ends up being a mental exercise for me. I’ll say ‘something in me’ and I notice how it takes me to my head. I end up feeling like a failure and I don’t recognize it as a feeling but as a mental concept in my head that I have about myself. ‘There’s always a problem with me’ is another example. I get lost in a cycle.
Thank you for your question, that’s an important one. I want to start by saying that you are already noticing when something takes you up into your head, away from your genuine immediate process. That means you have a sensitivity that will also tell you when something DOES help. Here are some other things to try: Put a gentle hand on your heart, and then notice how that feels. Or, feel your body supported by what you are sitting on, and then sense how you are feeling in the middle of your body. Just describe that. I’ll check in again to read how that goes.
Nice addition to your weekly tips emails, Ann. And you recognize that just this small intro, hearing your words, brings the initial kind of relief you’re talking about. Hope you bring others on board.
Hi Bruce – I actually have a whole book about that! It’s called Focusing in Clinical Practice, from W W Norton. Amazon has it, hardcover or Kindle. I love to support therapists working with clients.
Dearest of all dear Anns 😉
Thank you so much for this.
I have learned so much from you and still do,
every single time I follow you. Here is, what
gave me a sigh and deep nodding this time:
“…so Self in Presence is not something to go look for and find,
but it is s.th. to be and to cultivate..
happy to meet you soon in Switzerland!
warmly,
Theres
I really enjoyed seeing you explain the tips in the video. There is a clarity when I see you walk us through the process! I am eager to see the next one?
I love having these simple and precise applications for specific challenges. It’s like having a Focusing First Aid Kit. Easy to use myself, and, to aid others with. Also, these “stand alone” techniques are a good way to have others quite easily experience the power and effectiveness of Focusing; and, the taste gets them hungrier for more!
Thank-you Anne!
It’s always good to get a reminder! And it feels soooo good! To really be able to tell myself exactly what it feels like, without feeling shame or a burden. It’s as if you just gave me the ligitimacy to be just as I am. Thank-you. I love your work! and I love focusing.
Renee
From my experience of working with challenging overwhelming feelings, which so often arise from a place of trauma, slowing down and being fully with whatever is there, is so helpful in actually creating an acceptance and relatedness to these so difficult feelings. Your advice of including struggling with Self in Presence and also being precise as to exactly what is there, a “forensic” approach almost, are great as they support this slowing down process and there one is less likely to be thrown into total overwhelm or dissociation/zoning out.
So often these places feel too much, so overwhelming, precisely because when they originally occurred one didn’t have the resources to cope with them. So this “too much” experience arises with the fear and the shame – both emotions indicative that the environmental support one so needed at the time of the original event was sadly missing and unavailable.
Ironically I also now find using the present day environment can help me to support my shaky sense of Self in Presence. By connecting with what in the environment around me right now in the present moment implicitly reminds me of myself now and all the my resources that I have now which I can bring to supporting this historic place. My experience is that our bodies are very wise and even when what comes feels way too much actually if we can slow down our process enough and keep bodily connected with the present and this includes the environment we are in then shift and healing can come, micro-step by micro-step.
Cathy, what a good point that the intensity of overwhelming emotions may be coming from — and showing us something about — those times when we really didn’t have the resources to cope. We can bring compassion to how hard that was, back then, and at some level still is, for something in us.
And what a great tip about using the present environment in the present moment to remind ourselves of the resources we have now… thank you so much!
T.Y. so much for introducing me to your wealth of knowledge on the subject of dealing with difficult emotions and anger etc. I look forward to reading all the free material attached to this email. I find anyone who has gone through something is the most knowledgeable and able to help others. I have found that in my own life – experience depression and anxiety disorder from 2010. Just went thru a successful treatment of a deeper level of depression by being rebalanced with a level 3 antidepressant and counseling using CBT.
Hi Rhona – Yes, I find that’s true, someone who has gone through something hard can have a lot of resources to offer others. I’m so happy your treatment for depression has been successful! Yes, Focusing is similar to mindfulness, it has a similar quality of open attention and acceptance of whatever arises. The difference is that in Focusing, we then invite something into the space: a felt sense of what we are going through. This “felt sense” is a body experience that sums up the whole life situation and has more than we’ve put into words yet. By compassionate attention to that, new steps of possibility emerge.
I have not done focusing yet, but have thought about it. Although the TOPICS of shame and anxiety are quite familiar to me, I find myself thinking that I am not present enough or articulate enough to describe what’s happening specifically/precisely (or even vaguely!) inside of me or to even recognize all the parts that are stealing my joy, keeping me shamed and scared and sluggish. I know I feel sad. I know I feel ashamed. I know there are times I realize that anger is behind or on top of the hurt. I know that there are times it’s like I’ve poked a sleeping dragon and things are way worse than if I’d just continued plodding along without investigating. Regardless of what I do, it’s like this crud is always there, sloshing around inside of me like a poisonous stew. Oh, yeah, did I mention the HUGE overlay of hopelessness?!
W, you are not alone. I have felt that way too, and I know many others who have as well. But believe me, thinking about it is actually a lot worse that really contacting it in a Focusing way. In a Focusing process something new can actually happen. Just thinking (ruminating, stewing…) we can’t really get anything new… so no wonder it feels hopeless! I invite you to give Focusing a try…
Hi Ann, I particularly love what you are recommending with regard to shame. Shame by its very nature seems to want to hide and not look. Shame is often so painful that we try to push it away, perhaps because of what it might mean about our worth. I also think it’s hard to name shame at times, because it can be experienced as overwhelm, confusion, and fear. But when we can be with it in the way that you suggest, there is so much to be gained in self understanding. I have discovered that Focusing is a great way to be with shame and to discover what it needs. Thank you for sharing your work in this way.
Thank you Ann. Your tips came at the perfect time for me this morning when I went into my studio to paint and was hit with a paralyzingly fearfulness. Am also amazed at how focusing can be like the missing link to other methods of helping and how focusing can take the method further. Also, this evening I was able to share your tips with my daughter and they helped her become bigger than her extreme anxiety. We are both so grateful.
Thank you Ann for sharing these tips about challenging emotions. I am looking forward to more of your ideas about this. It seems quite important to have ideas about how people can be with overwhelming feelings and stay present to them in a grounded way. As a training Focusing practitioner, I’ve found that encountering strong & uncomfortable feelings can be quite scary when someone is new to Focusing, which can deter some people from Focusing alltogether. This makes it especially important for me to learn about a variety of ways that we can respond to challenging feelings, in case what works for me doesn’t seem to be that helpful to someone. I have learned to be with challenging feelings from my personal therapy, when thoughts came up that seemed very important to communicate, but they came with overwhelmingly intense feelings that rendered me unable to speak temporarily. So, what I’ve learned was that I could just stay with the feeling and create a bigger ‘internal space’ for it, until it became possible to talk again. I was able to transfer this method to my Focusing practice as well, with the addition that I would say to my Focusing partner that a very big feeling came up and I need stay quiet and ‘make some space’ for it. When I am ‘making space’ for a feeling I am kind of inflating my boundaries and sensing internally just how ‘big’ i need to be to contain the feeling and be able to talk about it. When I am able to start talking about the feeling, I concentrate on describing the sensations that came with the feeling, which also seem to create a further distance from the feeling and allows my Focusing process to continue in the usual way. It seems at times challenging to explain how this works for me, as not everyone understands what I mean by inflating my boundaries or making space for a feeling. I would be interested in hearing from you, how this could be communicated to people in a way that maybe easier to understand, even without prior experience of something similar. Thank you again for your generous sharing of your wisdom.
Hi Ildiko, What a great tip about staying with the feeling and making a big enough inner space for it. Another way to say that might be, “You might let it have the space it needs…” Or “Let it know that you have all the space it needs.” I like to say it in a way that includes “you” as the provider of the space, as well as “it,” the receiver of the space. Then, as you say, sensing into it further.
Hi Ann,
What you say is very interesting I know a little about focusing I used to focus with someone who was learning the focusing way. I have a lots of shame from childhood which over whelms me most of the time, to get help with focusing I have to pay lots of money to attend a private setting with a teacher or attend a Seminar which costs lots of money. How can low paid workers like me get the help only available to those who can afford it. I went off focusing because I could not afford a teacher at £40 a time or attend a Seminar at the cost of nearly £1000 a time. On my cleaning wages how can I afford that kind of money. I admire your had work and dedication to help others but spare a thought for the people who cannot afford the money to get the help they need.
Hi Marion – I’m so glad you wrote, Focusing should be available to all! My book The Power of Focusing is probably in your local library (if not, you can ask them to order it). At Focusing Resources we offer free Focusing sessions with trainees – you can find out more about that by clicking the Have a Session link in the menu bar at the top of this page. Good for you for asking.
What a treat to come across this. I have just experienced in Untangling course the power of sensing into Something with a strong feeling and describing it to myself more precisely. It comes to life. I often struggle to be present in ordinary life when something in me with a strong emotion comes. The words “Something in me” doesn’t always bring me to Presence. I guess it’s hard for something in me.
How great to know I can acknowledge that Something that finds it hard, and I can describe It more precisely. Looking forward to when I can make use of this tip.
I’ve only gotten as far in “Focusing” as saying “hello” to a host of feelings, but even that has been amazing! I used to get so angry with people who said, “let it go,” WITHOUT EVER DESCRIBING HOW TO DO IT!! Now there’s a WAY to do it!!! Thank you so much!
Hi Ann … Having just watched your video..I want to say Thankyou from a well converted Focuser… I love the simplicity of your explanations and so enjoyed too your time with Lisa Garr online. For prospective Focusers to see and hear you I think adds another dimension to your, from my perspective – always very authentic welcome for them to Inner Relationship Focusing…I am loving that my now more than 10 years of Focusing is being affirmed (as if I didn’t know from personal experience : ) ) with research around neuroplasticity. I treasure and feel priviledged to have been a student of your expertise for such a deep and precious, life changing journey… Love Raewyn in New Zealand.
Hi Ann,
Thank you once more for your clarity and generosity in sharing.
I am well aware (I believe) of the differences between mindfulness practices and Focusing and…
I have come across situations where something like « wanting to get the felt sense or felt meaning » (and this not necessarily by analyzing) became an obstacle, especially in the kind of situations that you’re addressing in this series. Since I’m sure that you have come across similar responses, I’d love to hear your suggestions on this.
From my part, what seems to work well in those situations is to « just » invite a description of the physical sensations. This may or may not lead to a felt sense of the whole (though it seems to do so more often than I expected at first), but it does help to be more « self as presence », and even if that is not yet the case, at least the fight against the « somethings » is let go of…
But surely you have other suggestions… I’m all for having more options available !
Hi Maarten – Oh yes, I agree that just inviting a physical description of what is sensed is a great way to get in connection, get past all the trying to do it “right” or make something happen. Gene Gendlin emphasizes this: just connecting with the physical is a good way in.
Hearing you give these tips helps to clarify my speech when I talk with others about just about anything! I want to
be continuously present and I need exactly this kind of support. If I can speak from presence AND speak
clearly, I (the real I) am filled something that feels like light—obstacles disintegrate–and a peaceful form
of exhilaration carries my speech. Well, it’s SOMETHING like that. Finding simple language for being in, and
staying in, presence is a daily artistic task. Thank you for years of help, Ann. I hope to work with this until
my last words. To be in presence and speak—speak to the true self of others even when they are ignoring it–
that is honest WORK. Joyce
Thank you! Focusing has helped me tremendously over the past few months.
I find myself confused about one aspect that you may be able to comment on. I have read a lot of spiritual/self-help material that talks about how our “ego” or “pain-body” or “sabatuer” actually LIKES negative emotion and feeds off it. I have found some truth in this personally. I have had success at times simply choosing to drop the negativity when I feel it, instead of becoming more aware of it or feeling it. It can even take the form of talking to myself firmly like “Ego, we are not going to create unnecessary suffering right now. There is no problem. Let it go and lets enjoy the day!”
On the other hand I know we have genuine pain that needs to be felt, given space, and that this type of work often involves feeling “worse” for a bit of time.
Any advice on telling the difference between genuine repressed emotion that needs our love and care and useless negativity generated by our ego/painbody? Or when to use which set of tools; A) Feel it deeply, give it space or B) Choose a new state of being, use your power.
I find myself mentally in circles on this one, any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Tim – Thanks for this interesting question. I absolutely do NOT share the view that we have inside us something that likes negativity and feeds on pain. In my view this is a version of the “original sin” concept of a fundamental flaw at the base of being human, and this has not been my experience at all. Without exception, every time I have shown someone how to turn with kindness toward a “negative” aspect, it shows up in its real nature as something trying to help us have a fuller, more authentic, more empowered and beautiful life.
There may seem to be a dichotomoy between feeling our positive feelings and our inner strength on the one hand, versus being with the places in us still carrying pain on the other. However, with the IRF concept of Self-in-Presence, there is no more contradiction, because it is your positive, strong self that has the power to turn toward the hurt places — and by being able to provide compassion to inner hurt places we increase our sense of strength and empowerment.
I’ve been focusing for over nine years (did 4 levels of your coursework and advanced), do it weekly with my partner whom I met in the 1st course and try to incorporate as best I can with my coaching clients. Focusing has been transformative. I was a therapy ‘lifer’ but Focusing has not only replaced that, it has led me to feel so much clearer and resilient. With all that said, I’m continually amazed by your ability to plumb deeper into the nuance of this practice. I look forward to reading the book.
Dear Ann, I’m grateful for a chance to tell you that your video helped me on an evening when I was so paralyzed with anxiety that I couldn’t move. As soon as I listened, the anxiety was still there , but I felt a shift of energy and was able to take care of things that needed to be done. You have helped me many times through your books, your live phone sessions,your web site, etc. Just wanted you to know how much of a difference you have made in my life. Thank you so much. Norma
Norma, that means a lot to me, to hear that my video helped when you were so paralyzed with anxiety that you couldn’t move. I know how hard that is. I’m so grateful to know my work has made a difference. Blessings to you.
45 Comments
Hi, it’s Ann! I’m looking forward to reading any comments, any sharing, any questions. Let’s have a conversation about what helps in extreme times!
Hi Ann,
I really value your insights. Hopefully I can take a course further than Level 1 at some point. But even so, I find that focusing has helped me more than anything else.
In your video with Jay Earley, I found it helpful to see that the various parts are there because of a lack of integration of the whole (self). This makes me wonder if it’s possible or helpful to listen the various, “competing” parts during one “sitting,” and if that might be helpful in bringing them together. I tried that the other day, and it found it somewhat calming. I would love to know your thoughts on that.
Hi Daphne, Wow, after just one Level of Focusing training you’ve found that Focusing has helped you more than anything else! That’s huge. I’m just pausing to take that in.
As for your question about whether it’s helpful to have “competing” parts with you in one session – yes, absolutely. Not that we need to do anything to try to bring them together, but just to acknowledge – “you are there, AND you are there too…” Doing this helps you to feel in an embodied way that YOU are not any of the parts.
I love it that you are doing this! And it is very helpful. I have been Focusing for about six years now, and the being grounded in Self In Presence is absolutely the key. As you say, sometimes getting to Self In Presence is itself difficult to do – often at the very time that you need it! I loved your suggestions and I really look forward to the next episodes. Thanks a million!
Susan D.
Hi, Ann,
What a beautiful presentation this is.
I’m wondering if you are reading from your new book, Presence? I have it in my calendar that it can finally be ordered next week. I am so looking forward to that! Now that “presence” is beginning to be more commonly discussed, I’m hoping it will make IR Focusing more widely known to have such a title in your collection of publications.
I definitely agree with everything you have said on this video. Having had my share of experiences with these suggestions, I definitely know they work.
On some occasions though, I remember being overcome with emotions so strong that I could only describe my experience of attempting to be present with them as hanging on to a small tree during a fierce hurricane. The “winds” of energy whipping my body would get that powerful.
On one of those occasions, when NOTHING else seemed to work, one day it occurred to me that this was my own life force in action and that I could AT LEAST admire it for being what it was being in the moment. So I let it know I appreciated it for being so incredibly strong and powerful, dynamic and determined in whipping up that storm of emotional energy. It must have been just what I needed to crack some unseen layer of judgment because it heard me and started to weep for being truly seen at last. And that was the beginning of the winding down.
Sending tons of appreciation.
Linda
Hi Linda – What a beautiful tip! Thank you for sharing it with us!
Wonderful, Ann! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience with us.
Very helpful.
Suzanne
Fabulous video, Ann! I can’t wait to share it with friends and clients!
This is wonderful and I’m eager to get the next segments. I have a dear friend I’d like to share this with … may I? I’m hoping she’ll take you up on the offer the be in touch.
blessings and thanks, have a lovely day,
Ruth Anne
Hi Ruth Anne – Yes absolutely, share it with a friend! How great to pass along these tips to anyone who might need them.
The frustration I’m experiencing when I hear your video is that It ends up being a mental exercise for me. I’ll say ‘something in me’ and I notice how it takes me to my head. I end up feeling like a failure and I don’t recognize it as a feeling but as a mental concept in my head that I have about myself. ‘There’s always a problem with me’ is another example. I get lost in a cycle.
Thank you for your question, that’s an important one. I want to start by saying that you are already noticing when something takes you up into your head, away from your genuine immediate process. That means you have a sensitivity that will also tell you when something DOES help. Here are some other things to try: Put a gentle hand on your heart, and then notice how that feels. Or, feel your body supported by what you are sitting on, and then sense how you are feeling in the middle of your body. Just describe that. I’ll check in again to read how that goes.
Nice addition to your weekly tips emails, Ann. And you recognize that just this small intro, hearing your words, brings the initial kind of relief you’re talking about. Hope you bring others on board.
Marianne
Thanks for all of the material that you share. It truly is a gift.
Any tips for using Focussing with clients? I help people create Happy Careers and Relationships.
Hi Bruce – I actually have a whole book about that! It’s called Focusing in Clinical Practice, from W W Norton. Amazon has it, hardcover or Kindle. I love to support therapists working with clients.
Dearest of all dear Anns 😉
Thank you so much for this.
I have learned so much from you and still do,
every single time I follow you. Here is, what
gave me a sigh and deep nodding this time:
“…so Self in Presence is not something to go look for and find,
but it is s.th. to be and to cultivate..
happy to meet you soon in Switzerland!
warmly,
Theres
I really enjoyed seeing you explain the tips in the video. There is a clarity when I see you walk us through the process! I am eager to see the next one?
Hi Ann,
I love having these simple and precise applications for specific challenges. It’s like having a Focusing First Aid Kit. Easy to use myself, and, to aid others with. Also, these “stand alone” techniques are a good way to have others quite easily experience the power and effectiveness of Focusing; and, the taste gets them hungrier for more!
Well done. (as usual)
Barb
Thank-you Anne!
It’s always good to get a reminder! And it feels soooo good! To really be able to tell myself exactly what it feels like, without feeling shame or a burden. It’s as if you just gave me the ligitimacy to be just as I am. Thank-you. I love your work! and I love focusing.
Renee
Hi Ann
I loved this little video – so thank you.
From my experience of working with challenging overwhelming feelings, which so often arise from a place of trauma, slowing down and being fully with whatever is there, is so helpful in actually creating an acceptance and relatedness to these so difficult feelings. Your advice of including struggling with Self in Presence and also being precise as to exactly what is there, a “forensic” approach almost, are great as they support this slowing down process and there one is less likely to be thrown into total overwhelm or dissociation/zoning out.
So often these places feel too much, so overwhelming, precisely because when they originally occurred one didn’t have the resources to cope with them. So this “too much” experience arises with the fear and the shame – both emotions indicative that the environmental support one so needed at the time of the original event was sadly missing and unavailable.
Ironically I also now find using the present day environment can help me to support my shaky sense of Self in Presence. By connecting with what in the environment around me right now in the present moment implicitly reminds me of myself now and all the my resources that I have now which I can bring to supporting this historic place. My experience is that our bodies are very wise and even when what comes feels way too much actually if we can slow down our process enough and keep bodily connected with the present and this includes the environment we are in then shift and healing can come, micro-step by micro-step.
I am looking forward to seeing the videos to come
Cathy x
Cathy, what a good point that the intensity of overwhelming emotions may be coming from — and showing us something about — those times when we really didn’t have the resources to cope. We can bring compassion to how hard that was, back then, and at some level still is, for something in us.
And what a great tip about using the present environment in the present moment to remind ourselves of the resources we have now… thank you so much!
T.Y. so much for introducing me to your wealth of knowledge on the subject of dealing with difficult emotions and anger etc. I look forward to reading all the free material attached to this email. I find anyone who has gone through something is the most knowledgeable and able to help others. I have found that in my own life – experience depression and anxiety disorder from 2010. Just went thru a successful treatment of a deeper level of depression by being rebalanced with a level 3 antidepressant and counseling using CBT.
Is your focusing similar to mindfulness?
Hi Rhona – Yes, I find that’s true, someone who has gone through something hard can have a lot of resources to offer others. I’m so happy your treatment for depression has been successful! Yes, Focusing is similar to mindfulness, it has a similar quality of open attention and acceptance of whatever arises. The difference is that in Focusing, we then invite something into the space: a felt sense of what we are going through. This “felt sense” is a body experience that sums up the whole life situation and has more than we’ve put into words yet. By compassionate attention to that, new steps of possibility emerge.
I have not done focusing yet, but have thought about it. Although the TOPICS of shame and anxiety are quite familiar to me, I find myself thinking that I am not present enough or articulate enough to describe what’s happening specifically/precisely (or even vaguely!) inside of me or to even recognize all the parts that are stealing my joy, keeping me shamed and scared and sluggish. I know I feel sad. I know I feel ashamed. I know there are times I realize that anger is behind or on top of the hurt. I know that there are times it’s like I’ve poked a sleeping dragon and things are way worse than if I’d just continued plodding along without investigating. Regardless of what I do, it’s like this crud is always there, sloshing around inside of me like a poisonous stew. Oh, yeah, did I mention the HUGE overlay of hopelessness?!
W, you are not alone. I have felt that way too, and I know many others who have as well. But believe me, thinking about it is actually a lot worse that really contacting it in a Focusing way. In a Focusing process something new can actually happen. Just thinking (ruminating, stewing…) we can’t really get anything new… so no wonder it feels hopeless! I invite you to give Focusing a try…
Hi Ann, I particularly love what you are recommending with regard to shame. Shame by its very nature seems to want to hide and not look. Shame is often so painful that we try to push it away, perhaps because of what it might mean about our worth. I also think it’s hard to name shame at times, because it can be experienced as overwhelm, confusion, and fear. But when we can be with it in the way that you suggest, there is so much to be gained in self understanding. I have discovered that Focusing is a great way to be with shame and to discover what it needs. Thank you for sharing your work in this way.
I would like help with shame. Do you think it could help PTSD and panic attacks. What is your third book?
Thanks.
Shirley Fieselman
Thank you Ann. Your tips came at the perfect time for me this morning when I went into my studio to paint and was hit with a paralyzingly fearfulness. Am also amazed at how focusing can be like the missing link to other methods of helping and how focusing can take the method further. Also, this evening I was able to share your tips with my daughter and they helped her become bigger than her extreme anxiety. We are both so grateful.
Susan, I’m grateful too… that the tips came at the perfect time for you AND that you could share them with your daughter. I’m really happy right now!
Thank you Ann for sharing these tips about challenging emotions. I am looking forward to more of your ideas about this. It seems quite important to have ideas about how people can be with overwhelming feelings and stay present to them in a grounded way. As a training Focusing practitioner, I’ve found that encountering strong & uncomfortable feelings can be quite scary when someone is new to Focusing, which can deter some people from Focusing alltogether. This makes it especially important for me to learn about a variety of ways that we can respond to challenging feelings, in case what works for me doesn’t seem to be that helpful to someone. I have learned to be with challenging feelings from my personal therapy, when thoughts came up that seemed very important to communicate, but they came with overwhelmingly intense feelings that rendered me unable to speak temporarily. So, what I’ve learned was that I could just stay with the feeling and create a bigger ‘internal space’ for it, until it became possible to talk again. I was able to transfer this method to my Focusing practice as well, with the addition that I would say to my Focusing partner that a very big feeling came up and I need stay quiet and ‘make some space’ for it. When I am ‘making space’ for a feeling I am kind of inflating my boundaries and sensing internally just how ‘big’ i need to be to contain the feeling and be able to talk about it. When I am able to start talking about the feeling, I concentrate on describing the sensations that came with the feeling, which also seem to create a further distance from the feeling and allows my Focusing process to continue in the usual way. It seems at times challenging to explain how this works for me, as not everyone understands what I mean by inflating my boundaries or making space for a feeling. I would be interested in hearing from you, how this could be communicated to people in a way that maybe easier to understand, even without prior experience of something similar. Thank you again for your generous sharing of your wisdom.
Hi Ildiko, What a great tip about staying with the feeling and making a big enough inner space for it. Another way to say that might be, “You might let it have the space it needs…” Or “Let it know that you have all the space it needs.” I like to say it in a way that includes “you” as the provider of the space, as well as “it,” the receiver of the space. Then, as you say, sensing into it further.
Hi Ann,
What you say is very interesting I know a little about focusing I used to focus with someone who was learning the focusing way. I have a lots of shame from childhood which over whelms me most of the time, to get help with focusing I have to pay lots of money to attend a private setting with a teacher or attend a Seminar which costs lots of money. How can low paid workers like me get the help only available to those who can afford it. I went off focusing because I could not afford a teacher at £40 a time or attend a Seminar at the cost of nearly £1000 a time. On my cleaning wages how can I afford that kind of money. I admire your had work and dedication to help others but spare a thought for the people who cannot afford the money to get the help they need.
Thank you,
Marion.
Hi Marion – I’m so glad you wrote, Focusing should be available to all! My book The Power of Focusing is probably in your local library (if not, you can ask them to order it). At Focusing Resources we offer free Focusing sessions with trainees – you can find out more about that by clicking the Have a Session link in the menu bar at the top of this page. Good for you for asking.
What a treat to come across this. I have just experienced in Untangling course the power of sensing into Something with a strong feeling and describing it to myself more precisely. It comes to life. I often struggle to be present in ordinary life when something in me with a strong emotion comes. The words “Something in me” doesn’t always bring me to Presence. I guess it’s hard for something in me.
How great to know I can acknowledge that Something that finds it hard, and I can describe It more precisely. Looking forward to when I can make use of this tip.
I’ve only gotten as far in “Focusing” as saying “hello” to a host of feelings, but even that has been amazing! I used to get so angry with people who said, “let it go,” WITHOUT EVER DESCRIBING HOW TO DO IT!! Now there’s a WAY to do it!!! Thank you so much!
Steve, you gave me a big smile today!
Hi Ann … Having just watched your video..I want to say Thankyou from a well converted Focuser… I love the simplicity of your explanations and so enjoyed too your time with Lisa Garr online. For prospective Focusers to see and hear you I think adds another dimension to your, from my perspective – always very authentic welcome for them to Inner Relationship Focusing…I am loving that my now more than 10 years of Focusing is being affirmed (as if I didn’t know from personal experience : ) ) with research around neuroplasticity. I treasure and feel priviledged to have been a student of your expertise for such a deep and precious, life changing journey… Love Raewyn in New Zealand.
Hi Ann,
Thank you once more for your clarity and generosity in sharing.
I am well aware (I believe) of the differences between mindfulness practices and Focusing and…
I have come across situations where something like « wanting to get the felt sense or felt meaning » (and this not necessarily by analyzing) became an obstacle, especially in the kind of situations that you’re addressing in this series. Since I’m sure that you have come across similar responses, I’d love to hear your suggestions on this.
From my part, what seems to work well in those situations is to « just » invite a description of the physical sensations. This may or may not lead to a felt sense of the whole (though it seems to do so more often than I expected at first), but it does help to be more « self as presence », and even if that is not yet the case, at least the fight against the « somethings » is let go of…
But surely you have other suggestions… I’m all for having more options available !
Best wishes,
Maarten
Hi Maarten – Oh yes, I agree that just inviting a physical description of what is sensed is a great way to get in connection, get past all the trying to do it “right” or make something happen. Gene Gendlin emphasizes this: just connecting with the physical is a good way in.
Hearing you give these tips helps to clarify my speech when I talk with others about just about anything! I want to
be continuously present and I need exactly this kind of support. If I can speak from presence AND speak
clearly, I (the real I) am filled something that feels like light—obstacles disintegrate–and a peaceful form
of exhilaration carries my speech. Well, it’s SOMETHING like that. Finding simple language for being in, and
staying in, presence is a daily artistic task. Thank you for years of help, Ann. I hope to work with this until
my last words. To be in presence and speak—speak to the true self of others even when they are ignoring it–
that is honest WORK. Joyce
Hello Ann,
Thank you! Focusing has helped me tremendously over the past few months.
I find myself confused about one aspect that you may be able to comment on. I have read a lot of spiritual/self-help material that talks about how our “ego” or “pain-body” or “sabatuer” actually LIKES negative emotion and feeds off it. I have found some truth in this personally. I have had success at times simply choosing to drop the negativity when I feel it, instead of becoming more aware of it or feeling it. It can even take the form of talking to myself firmly like “Ego, we are not going to create unnecessary suffering right now. There is no problem. Let it go and lets enjoy the day!”
On the other hand I know we have genuine pain that needs to be felt, given space, and that this type of work often involves feeling “worse” for a bit of time.
Any advice on telling the difference between genuine repressed emotion that needs our love and care and useless negativity generated by our ego/painbody? Or when to use which set of tools; A) Feel it deeply, give it space or B) Choose a new state of being, use your power.
I find myself mentally in circles on this one, any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Tim
Hi Tim – Thanks for this interesting question. I absolutely do NOT share the view that we have inside us something that likes negativity and feeds on pain. In my view this is a version of the “original sin” concept of a fundamental flaw at the base of being human, and this has not been my experience at all. Without exception, every time I have shown someone how to turn with kindness toward a “negative” aspect, it shows up in its real nature as something trying to help us have a fuller, more authentic, more empowered and beautiful life.
There may seem to be a dichotomoy between feeling our positive feelings and our inner strength on the one hand, versus being with the places in us still carrying pain on the other. However, with the IRF concept of Self-in-Presence, there is no more contradiction, because it is your positive, strong self that has the power to turn toward the hurt places — and by being able to provide compassion to inner hurt places we increase our sense of strength and empowerment.
I’ve been focusing for over nine years (did 4 levels of your coursework and advanced), do it weekly with my partner whom I met in the 1st course and try to incorporate as best I can with my coaching clients. Focusing has been transformative. I was a therapy ‘lifer’ but Focusing has not only replaced that, it has led me to feel so much clearer and resilient. With all that said, I’m continually amazed by your ability to plumb deeper into the nuance of this practice. I look forward to reading the book.
Dear Ann, I’m grateful for a chance to tell you that your video helped me on an evening when I was so paralyzed with anxiety that I couldn’t move. As soon as I listened, the anxiety was still there , but I felt a shift of energy and was able to take care of things that needed to be done. You have helped me many times through your books, your live phone sessions,your web site, etc. Just wanted you to know how much of a difference you have made in my life. Thank you so much. Norma
Norma, that means a lot to me, to hear that my video helped when you were so paralyzed with anxiety that you couldn’t move. I know how hard that is. I’m so grateful to know my work has made a difference. Blessings to you.