Focusing Tip #459
“I have parts of me that I used to assume were the actual voices of my mother, father, husband…”
Katherine writes:
I am noticing how I have parts of me that I used to assume were the actual voices of, or almost like, an actual other person, such as my mother, father or husband. I have within me a “part” or feeling that represents aspects of these people, their voice, their view, their opinion. By assuming the part is them, I have boxed these other people into an idea I have about them. Clearly, the “parts” are not them.
Is there a way to recognize when you are perceiving the other person vs. your “idea” of them, through Focusing?
Dear Katherine:
You’ve recognized that it’s unfair to those other people to assume that your inner parts are the same as the actual person in your life.
It’s also not fair to the inner parts!
There are voices inside you that learned their style from your parents, but they are not your parents. They don’t have the same motivation your parents did. If they are parts of you, they love you and are trying to help you, even when they are critical. Frankly, we can’t make that same assumption about your parents! (It’s usually true, but not always.)
The question you asked though, wasn’t about the parts inside you, but about the actual other people in your life. You mentioned your husband. Let’s take him as an example.
How can you use Focusing to recognize when you are actually perceiving your husband vs. your idea about your husband?
It’s a huge question! I don’t know the whole answer, but here is what I do know: About another person, there is always a LOT we don’t know.
So anytime you feel certainty about what your husband is thinking, or feeling, or simply what he is…you are probably in your own (part’s) idea about your husband, instead of being open to him as himself.
Curiosity is our big friend when we are wanting to relate to other people as Self-in-Presence. Curiosity means remembering that we actually know next to nothing about what this person feels…but we would love to listen and find out!
Gene Gendlin says that after 50 years, the person he is most surprised by is still his wife. People are so intricate. And that is so exciting!