Focusing Tip #460
“I have trouble explaining to my Companion and myself why I want reflections when it is my turn…”
Tewa writes:
When I am Focusing with a partner, I like to hear two or three reflections and then silent presence. My Companion likes silent presence with no reflections. I am happy to be with her in silent presence when it is her turn. She in turn is willing to give me what I ask for but I have trouble explaining to her and myself why I want some reflections when it is my turn. It feels right but how is it serving me?
Dear Tewa:
I have to admit it amazes me that anyone would rather have silence from another person, than to hear a reflection. I do respect that it might be true…I just haven’t experienced it myself very often!
Why do I love hearing reflections? What is it that furthers my process so much when I hear my own words back from another person?
And let me say that I don’t like my words said back to me when I am just talking. Then I’m like, “Why are you saying what I said?” I just like my words said back when I’m Focusing. Why?
When I am Focusing, I am in a slowed-down state. I am sensing something in me that is hard to put into words. I am silent. (When I am silent, the other person, the Companion, is silent too. This is a rare gift!)
Now I find a few words that might describe how I am feeling. I am not sure…so I say the words. I hear my words come back to me, slowly, in the Companion’s voice. “You are sensing…something in your chest feeling dark, heavy, and sad.” As I hear my words back, I am trying them out inside. Do they fit? Do they bring up more?
The Companion doesn’t add what I haven’t said. The Companion doesn’t add questions. The Companion doesn’t put anything on me, no opinions, no advice. Just this simple, gentle, saying back of the “felt sense words” that I said.
Of course you would want that to happen…not just at the start, but why not all through the Focusing session?
I have this idea — and I admit I don’t know — but my idea is that people who ask their Companions to say nothing have had some unfortunate experiences with Companions who imposed, or asked questions, or kept putting their own opinions in.
My first Focusing teacher, Les Brunswick, used to say that when we are listening to a Focuser we are like a quiet pool. I discovered that being that kind of listener was the most meditative activity I could ever do. I love it!
And I truly love being reflected (which we also call, being listened to). It gives me both company and space at the same time. What could be better than that?