Focusing Tip #509
“How do I work with my client who said ‘I don’t like that I like it’?”
A Reader writes:
I have a question concerning a client. We were talking about his need for performing and “showing off.” Then he said to me: “I don’t like that I like it,” meaning showing off.
How would you work with that in the frame of Focusing?
Dear Reader:
This is a person with an active inner critic. Even his description of performing as a “need for showing off” tells us that there is a part of him that is critical and judgmental of another part of him.
So when he says “I don’t like that I like it,” we are hearing from the part of him that doesn’t like another part of him. That is an inner critic.
You ask about the frame of Focusing. Well, the frame of Focusing is an inner attitude of acceptance of what is here. So we can accept this critical part…but we don’t have to believe what it says.
First I would say to this person: “Something in you really likes showing off… AND something in you doesn’t like that one that likes it.”
Barbara McGavin and I call this an “AND-sentence.” It helps the person separate from both sides of an inner conflict, so that both sides can be explored with interested curiosity.
Then I might say, “You do something that a part of you calls ‘showing off’. Let’s get curious about what that part is worried about.”
The critical part is always worried. Inviting it to explore what it is worried about can bring new insights and new possibilities. It’s hard to remain judgmental in the face of curiosity!