Focusing Tip #561 – If an inner part of you sounds like your most judgmental parent, are you supposed to be nice to it?

Daria writes:

I have recently acknowledged a part of me that is very mean and very emotionally abusive. She is essentially a mirror of my stepmother who abused me horribly. About the only part I can seem to spend time with right now is the part that is angry that this “abusive stepmother” part even exists inside of me. I understand that part of Focusing and being in presence is allowing ALL parts of us to be the way they are, for as long as they need to be. However I can NOT find ANYTHING in me that is OK allowing this abusive stepmom voice to be present. Any help?

Dear Daria:

It is true there is an Inner Relationship Focusing move in which you say to a part of you that it can be the way it is as long as it needs to be.

But not to every type of part!

The type of part that is critical, judgmental, mean, and even abusive does not need permission to be the way it is. I hope it is a relief to you to hear that! (Your instinct was right.)

What that type of part needs is for you to say to it, “Hello. Might you be worried about something?”

When a part of us is being attacking, mean, critical, etc., it needs our help to get in touch with the worry underneath its attack.

So rather than putting up with the attack “as long as it needs to be,” we are doing the opposite — we are going underneath the attack to the deeper motivation of worry and concern.

What’s that you say? Your stepmother wasn’t concerned about you? Absolutely not!

This part inside you may sound like your stepmother, but it isn’t your stepmother, and doesn’t have the same motivations that your stepmother had.

The part might even be trying to protect you FROM the stepmother by mirroring her.

I know that might be hard to believe… but this much I can assure you: even though your stepmother never changed, THIS part can change.