“I have a hard time listening when my partner is first victim, then rescuer, then perpetrator.”
A Reader writes:
In a recent session with one of my Focusing partners, I heard her go around from victim, to rescuer, to perpetrator in two situations, in a 20 minute session…and all the while wondering why friends won’t listen to her.
I have a hard time listening to this, especially when I see Focusing as such a powerful tool, and my partner isn’t giving it a chance.
How can I help my partner be Self-in-Presence? By the way, she asks for only reflections.
Dear Reader,
I agree, I feel sad about it too when someone isn’t using the power of Focusing, and instead stays caught up in identification with dysfunctional parts.
Yet I also know how easy it is to get identified…especially when dealing with our toughest life situations. We can really use the help of a Focusing partner at such times!
You are wondering how you can help if you are only requested to give reflections…but the truth is, the MOST powerful way to help another person be Self-in-Presence is done only with reflections!
It’s true you will be making some assumptions…but if they are helpful to your partner, they will be welcome. Let me illustrate what I mean:
Focuser: “I really suffering from this situation with my brother.”
Companion: “You are sensing something in you really suffering from this situation with your brother.”
Focuser: “I am telling myself it’s not my fault.”
Companion: “You are sensing another part of you telling this part it’s not its fault.”
Do you see the assumption? In your reflection you assume that there is one part suffering, and another part trying to help it feel better. When you say the words “YOU are sensing,” you evoke Self-in-Presence in the other person…the one who can be with any part with compassion.
If You Can Do More
If your partner permits you to do more than reflect (you might want to discuss this ahead of the next session), you can be even more helpful.
Focuser: “I am really suffering from this situation with my brother.”
Companion: “You are sensing something in you really suffering from this situation with your brother… Maybe you could say Hello to the one that is suffering… Maybe you could put a gentle hand on the place where you are feeling it in your body.”
Focusing doesn’t work if we are identified with parts. That’s what Barbara McGavin and I discovered when we wrestled 20 years ago with our most challenging life issues, and discovered/invented what we needed to make Focusing work for even those difficult issues. We needed (and gave the name to) Self-in-Presence. It makes all the difference.