“I Can’t Believe I Lied to Myself for So Long”
“I can’t believe I lied to myself for so long.” That’s what I found myself saying on that day in September 1994 when I admitted I had been using alcohol addictively. That was the worst of it: that I, who had prided myself on awareness, had been so unaware.
In the intensive Focusing that Barbara McGavin and I did in the weeks after that discovery, we realized that this was a pattern that could be found over and over in life’s most difficult areas. A part or aspect of the self was “exiled”–pushed out of awareness–yet operated powerfully.
Driven by necessity, we developed ways of Focusing with these out-of-awareness, exiled parts. (The Focusing we had been doing until then didn’t have a way of including them.) Starting with our own difficult areas, we tested and worked with methods and ways of understanding.
We thought we were doing this just for ourselves, but quickly, far before we felt ready, other people were asking for our insights. Addictions, action blocks, depression, unfulfulled desire, harsh inner criticism… all were areas that were hard to change with Focusing, and our new methods brought relief and feelings of fresh air to many.
“There is a Part of Me that Wants to Drink”
We called our new insights and methods “Treasure Maps to the Soul,” because we discovered that the exiled parts, despised and pushed away, actually contained powerful life energy that had been locked up. When contacted from Presence (we developed the concept of Presence as one of the Treasure Maps “Powers”) the part that wanted to behave addictively turned out to have unimaginable gifts.
In my case, the part of me that had been reaching for the wine bottle told me that it wanted more creativity for me, to be able to “color outside the lines,” to dance and sing and be sexy. It wanted me to feel trust in my own life and in what was larger than my life, the whole life process. It wanted me to have the very specific feeling that came with that.
When I stopped acting on it and started listening to it instead, I could feel this part that had been exiled returning to my whole self. This difference, between what a part of us wants to DO and what it wants us to be able to FEEL, is a big one.
You can try this yourself: When you’re aware of a part of you that is doing some behavior that another part of you doesn’t like (eg, playing computer games late at night, reading adult sites, eating the whole container of ice cream standing by the fridge), sit down to do some Focusing and turn to it with gentle, interested curiosity. If there’s a judging part as well, say hello to it so it won’t jump on the one you’re listening to.
Invite the part that does the action to let you know, with a felt body sense, what it’s WANTING for you, from doing that action. And keep listening.