Finding Treasure in Relationships…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently a reporter called me up for a quote for an article on “loving the one you’re with.” There’s a tendency these day for people in relationships to blame the problems on the other person, and even to be on the lookout for a replacement. It’s not always easy to stay with the person you’ve got!
Why is that… and how can Focusing help?
To see our problems as caused by outside forces is a symptom of a mechanistic worldview. We’re conditioned to look for “fixes” as if we and our relationships had interchangeable parts. If there are problems, the people closest to us are the most obvious ones to blame.
“If it weren’t for YOU, my life would be fine.”
“If you were different in XYZ way, I would be happier.”
How odd that it seems easier to change another person than to look at ourselves!
In the process philosophy of Focusing, problems don’t have single causes. So we don’t find who to blame (if it’s not me, it must be you!) but rather we understand that there is a whole system that we are part of… that can change when awareness is brought to it.
…Even the Tough Ones
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I told the reporter, anything that annoys me about my partner is an opportunity for enrichment IF I choose to use it that way. If I choose to turn toward myself with interested curiosity, starting with my felt sense of the feeling about my partner, I can discover whole realms in “treasure” inside.
Last night my partner and I had an argument. Right now I can still feel a tightness in my chest as I remember that. I say “hello” to the tightness, and sit down with it to get to know it better.
(Notice how this is different from replaying the argument in my head, thinking about what I could have said, and labeling my partner with pejorative names!)
I’m sensing this place in my chest that feels tight. I’m letting it know I’m with it, I’m listening. I’m sensing a scared feeling there. Wow, I didn’t know it was scared! I’m letting it know that I sense it’s scared.
I’m staying with it, with interested curiosity.
Gradually, I begin to sense more… what it’s scared about. It feels young, like a young part of me, scared she won’t be understood, scared she won’t be supported. Ah. I let her know I hear that. When I do, I feel an easing in the chest, like a “Yes” inside. “Yes, that’s it.” Now she IS feeling understood.
Now I sit here feeling a deep connection to myself, to the ground beneath me, to all my relationships including the one with my partner. I feel a smile in me toward him. That’s how this whole thing feels now… like a big smile.