“That struggle is exhausting!”
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Alberta writes: “How do I access the voice and point of view of a ‘something’ when it is especially intense, frightening or judged to be ‘bad’? (e.g. rage, cynicism, self pity…) How do I listen to its voice–give it full Presence–without ‘feeding’ it. It’s the fear of becoming identified with it, or overwhelmed by it (i.e. acting FROM it or getting ‘stuck in it’) that prevents my wanting to fully ‘go there’ to hear it out, yet this is what perpetuates avoidance, pushing it away and the struggle to keep it under control. That struggle is exhausting! I sense the means of dissolving this constellation lies in my ability to learn this skill of listening to point of view, of hearing the something’s ‘voice’. I know this is what’s needed to take my Focusing to a much deeper dimension. I’d so appreciate your guidance here!
I responded to Alberta by email:
Great question!
When it is hard to be in Presence with something, that means there is ANOTHER something that needs to be acknowledged, one that is closer to you, that feels like “you.” It is the “something in you” that is scared of getting overwhelmed by that other one.
When you can turn to THAT one, and gently say, I hear how scared you are that we will get overwhelmed by that other one… THEN I predict you will feel the relief of Presence.
ANY inner struggle comes from two parts.
The concern that we would “feed” a part of us by giving it Presence must come from another part. Remember, in Presence you are simply a listener. You aren’t doing what it says to do, you aren’t either believing or disbelieving it.
It does help, though, to listen for the emotions underneath what it is saying. An inner attacker is always afraid as well, and many knots loosen when we can say to an angry judgmental part of us: “Yes, I sense how afraid you are.”
“It’s ugly, destructive, and vile.”
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So then Alberta wrote back, and said this:
“What you’re saying is I need to spend more time acknowledging the fearful or judgment part and this will allow for the Presence necessarily to hear the tirade and ranting of the something’s ‘point of view’! (I realize that the words tirade and ranting sound like judgments, but I’m using them descriptively! You see I’ve gotten bits and snatches of these points of view and they are very ugly, destructive, negative energies…. Can I just listen and say ‘Thank you for sharing’ to such vile outpourings?!!!!”
Dear Alberta:
What I’m saying is that you need to spend more time acknowledging the part that is fearful of getting overwhelmed AND be open to spending the rest of the session with it, if it needs that. Rich, deep Focusing can be done there, and acknowledging tends to not be effective if it is done for the purpose of getting something out of the way.
Words like “ugly” and “vile” are never just descriptive. They are signals that we are dealing with a second part that doesn’t like what is happening, and needs to be acknowledged as well.
Remember also that the force of a ‘negative’ voice is proportional to how scared it is. The more vicious => the more scared. Don’t listen to WHAT it says, but listen instead to the energy, the force, and bear in mind that it attacks out of its own fear. Often that allows compassion to emerge toward it.
See my chapter “Radical Gentleness” in my book The Radical Acceptance of Everything for much more on this.
And thanks so much for asking!