January 30 2007 – #96

Last week in our Weekly Tips I published a question from 
Jan, who wanted to know how to offer Focusing to his 
teenage daughter, to help with the sometimes overwhelming 
emotions of her adolescence. I responded by saying that we 
need to be cautious of the impulse to help our children, 
perhaps instead Focusing on our own feelings of how hard it 
is to watch them go through this rollercoaster time. To just 
listen, and not offer Focusing until THEY ask.

A number of you responded!

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"Thanks for listening!"
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Chris Honde, a Focusing teacher in Chicago, gave me 
permission to print her response:

I wanted to second what you said to Jan about just 
LISTENING to our children, and share an experience of mine.  
Shortly after I had learned Focusing, I was visiting one of my 
daughters with whom I had always had a somewhat stormy 
relationship. It seemed to me that she always saw the 
shortcomings in others, but not in herself, and so my usual 
responses were things like "Well, but, I can see X's point of 
view too," or "Well, you do the same thing, you know," etc.  
Completely unhelpful and just bound to rile her up even more 
and distance her from me.

But this time was different.  Having learned Focusing and 
practiced a new kind of listening, I just sat there and 
basically reflected all her complaints about her partner.  Of 
course my own inner voice was saying all the old stuff, but I 
didn't say it out loud, just kept listening and reflecting.  And 
after about half an hour (which seemed like forever!), an 
amazing thing happened: she herself started to say all the 
things my inner voice would have wanted to say to her, like  
"Well, I can see X's point of view, it must really hurt him 
when I say Y" or "Oh, I see that I do this to him too."

Since then, my relationship with all my (young adult) 
children has transformed into one where I do about 90% 
listening/reflecting and only about 10% suggesting/
commenting, etc.  And as that's happened, I've found that 
they all reach out to me more--even my son, who, like most 
males, I think, has always been pretty reluctant to share 
feelings and dilemmas with me.  One of my daughters, in 
particular, often ends conversations with a heartfelt "Thanks 
for listening!"

I still haven't been successful in hooking any of them on 
Focusing, but I don't worry about that.  From time to time, I 
toss Focusing-like comments (about my own process) into the 
conversation, and I figure one of these days those might 
stimulate an interest, a question, etc. that might lead one or 
more of my kids to Focusing.

Thanks, Chris! I couldn't agree more! Let's hear what other 
people had to say...

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Listen first...
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Andra wrote with an interesting story that I want to comment 
on. She wrote: "I agree that when a child is identified with 
and expressing feelings, that listening is the best thing we 
can do as parents. But my 13 year old son doesn't talk. Last 
night he called me in to his room half an hour after he went 
to bed because he was really scared about something in the 
book he was reading. He wanted help to not be so 
overwhelmed by his fear so he could get to sleep. I 
suggested he talk to the part of himself that was scared in a 
reassuring voice and gave him words to say that I hoped 
would help him identify with a part of himself that was 
outside the feeling. This was a new concept to him, but I 
think he tried it, and I didn't hear from him again. It's not 
Focusing, but I feel that it uses a skill that Focusing depends 
on, which I can't quite name."

Dear Andra,
First I want to appreciate you and your son, 
him for asking and you for offering something that clearly 
helped him. Good!

Then I want to say what I might have 
added to what you did, to make it more Focusing-like. In 
addition to talking to the scared part inside, how about listening 
to it?

"OK sweetie, here's what I do when I have a scared feeling that 
won't let me sleep. Is there a place in your body where you're 
feeling that the most?" ("My stomach.") "OK, so how about just 
putting a hand there on your stomach, like you're keeping it 
company. And then listen to it. Let it tell you what it's so scared 
about...."

"And when it tells you what got it so scared, you can say to it 
that you hear it. And you're saying that to it in a nice, calm 
tone of voice, right? Because you can tell that it needs you to 
do that."

"Does that feel like something you want to try 
right now, with me here, or would you like me to say goodnight 
so you can try it yourself?"

(There's a group called HeartMath that has had great success 
having heart patients talk to their hearts. But every time I hear 
their stuff, I keep wondering, What about listening to 
the heart?)

And there was one more interesting response to last week 
that I wanted to share with you. Verena wrote: "To a 
daughter asking for advice about giving her mother Focusing 
insights your answer would most likely be the same." 

True! Good point! We are surrounded by people who look 
like they need our help, from our parents to our spouses and 
on out from there. But until they explicitly ask for that help, 
offering our listening ear is going to be a better idea.

Listen first... for about five different reasons:

* listening embodies respect for the other person's 
autonomy

* listening keeps you connected with their process

* listening keeps you humble--what you thought was true 
turns out to be something else, if you listen a minute

* listening lets them find their own way

* listening offers a clear open space within which the 
person's own life-forward direction emerges.

What a gift!