June 19 2007 #116

"… a sensation of being detached…"

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Chris writes: "I’m wondering if you have any experience or advice on how to use Focusing when symptoms of depersonalization are present. I’ve been experiencing this condition on and off for a while now, and there is some fear/anxiety behind it. The trouble seems to be that when I try contacting felt senses about the fear or depression or whatever I’m feeling, then I often end up meeting this depersonalization response, which for me is a sensation of being detached, of something like a vague spaciness separating me from my experience. At this point, effective Focusing seems to be blocked, as focusing on the depersonalization only seems to lock it in further…. "

Dear Chris,
You’re going through something that’s quite common, and there’s no need for a label like "depersonalization." It sounds to me like the part(s) of you which are afraid of the feelings of depression and so on are simply removing you from those feelings using the methods available. This is very common. Barbara McGavin and I call it "The Fog."

This is a great area for Focusing. Here are my tips:

(1) Let go of the word "depersonalization." Instead, name what you are actually experiencing. "Spaciness," "numbness," whatever it feels like right now. Get in closer contact with the sensation by offering the words back to it, and sensing if they fit well. You’re describing how it feels right now, not how you remember it feeling at other times.

(2) Very likely, something in you is SENDING the "spaciness" etc because it doesn’t want you to feel something. Say hello to that, the one who is sending it. You don’t have to know where that part of you is, in order to say hello to it. Just: "I’m saying hello to something in me that is sending this spaciness [or whatever] right now."

(3) Wait. After saying hello you may begin to sense the "something" that is trying to help you not feel certain feelings. Your job is to listen to it, not to try to get past it. It is a "safety guardian," something in you that is trying to protect you. When it feels you really respect it, I predict something will shift.

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Why I Don’t Say "Resistance"

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Focusing is a process of sensing and listening within ourselves, and sometimes that can be scary.

To say it more precisely, something in us may be scared about what will happen or what we will find when we sense and spend time with how we feel.

"The part that doesn’t want me to feel X" may use many strategies. For example, I might find myself getting sleepy whenever I get close to a certain feeling or issue. Or I might change the subject, talk about something else. I might go blank: "What was I just saying?"

This phenomenon has sometimes been referred to as "resistance," but I don’t like that term. It doesn’t sound respectful of the good intentions of that part.

I would rather call this part a "safety guardian." It feels it is looking out for my safety. When it is respected and heard for what it is trying to do for me, quite often the whole inner dynamic shifts.