Protecting the Focusing Space
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Selene writes: "What do you do when your Focusing partner goes second and is explicitly Focusing on his/her feelings about the material you just shared in your session?"
Dear Selene,
Ideally, as you know, in Focusing partnership we follow guidelines not to discuss the content of the Focusing session. I do understand that you are asking about what to do when the ideal breaks down and your Focusing partner violates the agreement.
We must assume this person is not consciously trying to break an agreement! After all, you trusted them enough to try a Focusing exchange. But maybe, as you’re sitting there feeling whatever it is you’re feeling, about having your Focusing material become the topic of your partner’s session… maybe you’re wondering if you made the right choice!
And of course YOU have another agreement you’re trying not to break: the agreement to just listen to your partner and not interrupt. Undoubtedly it would be somewhat interruptive if you were to say, "Excuse me, you seem to be Focusing on material from my session, and I’m uncomfortable with that."
But that might be what you need to do. Only you can know if this is enough of a problem, enough of an obstacle to your being there holding Presence, that you would have to speak up.
Let me mention a related principle. If I am the Companion, it’s OK for me to interrupt the session if something is definitely interfering with my ability to be present. A strong need to go to the toilet, a burning in my eyes that needs eye drops… I absolutely get to apologize and ask for a minute or two to take care of such things.
So if you find that your reaction to your partner’s Focusing material from your session is seriously getting in the way of your ability to be present… then it’s not only OK to say something, it’s actually good.
By the way, I had already picked this question to answer this week when you and I met yesterday at the Focusing Community Gathering, and had a chance to partner for 5 minutes each. How nice! And I loved what you did, Selene. You went second, and at a certain point as the second Focuser you said to me, "Is it OK if I mention something from your session?"
I checked inside, and it felt OK. But even more than that: I had a warm feeling of being respected. It was even MORE OK, because you asked. It seems like you are being the partner you’d like others to be.
When Your Partner Is Doing Your Focusing
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There’s another thing that can happen when we do Focusing partnership. Many people have remarked on this: that even when we have no intention of doing so, we seem to end up Focusing on similar themes.
I have even sometimes ended a session as Companion, saying to my partner, "Thank you! It’s as if you were Focusing for me too!"
And I just want to mention that this is clearly not the same thing that Selene is talking about. We don’t set out to Focus on the same thing. We intend to steer clear of the partner’s topic and material. And yet still — completely without intention — the resonance is there. One of the lovely and amazing things about Focusing partnership — and of course one that doesn’t violate anything.