The Wanted Feeling in Every Part
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Charles asks, "Could you write more about each part having a wanted feeling?"
Dear Charles,
I think you are quoting back to me something I said in the Weekly Tips a while ago, so it’s my fault if those words aren’t quite how I would say it now!
I was talking about those times when we have "warring parts," like the part of me that wants to get more exercise and the other part that doesn’t do it. Or the part of me that looks at my long list of things to do and decides to go to the beach instead… and the other part that scolds and fusses all the way there and back.
A lot of the tougher areas of life can be described as having two or more parts of us in a fierce war with each other, and the inner war itself can be exhausting and feel frustrating, even lead to a sense of despair. (This is the area that Barbara McGavin and I have studied so intensively in our Treasure Maps to the Soul work.)
It turns out, when you do a particular kind of deep Focusing process that includes listening to each part from a state of Presence, that each part — not matter how angry or self-destructive or traumatized it appears — each part has a positive, life-forward direction that is FOR the whole organism.
Put it simply: each part is on your side, trying to help save or enhance your life.
The Wanted Feeling is the Forward Direction
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And that brings us to the wanted feeling. What Barbara and I mean by a "wanted feeling" is that each part of you (without exception) has been urgently trying to help you feel some kind of life-enhancing, enjoyable, positive feeling. It wants YOU to have this feeling, and to live it in your body and your life situations.
Let’s take a self-critical part as an example. I remember working with a woman who had an unrealized dream of becoming a songwriter. She wanted to write songs. But each time she tried, a harsh inner critic stopped her with words like, "Who do you think YOU are, to be doing that?"
In guided Focusing, she was able to turn toward that part that was criticizing and stopping her from a calm, strong inner state of Presence. She said Hello to it, and invited it with genuine curiosity to say what it was worried about.
"I’m worried people will laugh at you" was the surprising answer.
Already it had changed. It felt and sounded more protective now. And even though she knew, from her larger self, that people laughing at her was not going to be a problem, she just stayed in a listening mode with this part. "Tell me more…" she invited.
This part let her know it was worried she wouldn’t find her own voice. When she invited what it wanted, it was clear that it wanted her to find her own voice!
The final step in this stage of the process was to invite it to let her know what it wanted her to be able to feel, from finding her own voice. That was a deeply relaxed yet energized feeling that she could feel in her body, more centered than she had ever felt.
And that was the Wanted Feeling of that part. It was no longer an inner critic.