What about negotiating with negative beliefs?
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Elizabeth writes: "I have recently come in contact with a coaching process that suggests 'negotiating' with the negative beliefs or feelings of what they call the 'ego mind'. I am curious about the negotiating angle. They suggest that until you negotiate with this ego and agree that you won't do what it's afraid of, you won't be able go forward. What is your experience with negotiating or not negotiating with unsure or fearful places? Does this work? Why not and what does allow a gentle forward flow?"
Dear Elizabeth,
Negotiating is something we do when the other has equal power, like a rival state or another business. Would you negotiate with a child?
I can see the point of agreeing not to do what a part is afraid of, until it feels ready. But I wouldn't call that "negotiating." And as we'll see, negotiating actually comes out of an assumption that the other isn't going to change. That doesn't sound like Focusing to me.
Let's imagine that you're doing some Inner Relationship Focusing with a decision you want to make– let's say about taking the offer of a new job. You sense a feeling of excitement about the opportunity. But sitting in the middle of your stomach is a feeling like a knot of fear.
You cultivate Self-in-Presence so you can be with this "something like a knot of fear" without judging or pushing. You feel your solid body contact where you are sitting or standing, and rest into that support. You say a gentle "hello" to the place in your stomach.
You sit with it… with interested curiosity. You sense what kind of fear it feels like. Slowly you can sense that it is afraid like hands hiding a face, some kind of shame quality. It's as if it is saying, "If I go to that new place, they'll see what's wrong with me."
So that's an example of the situation you're talking about, Elizabeth. Negative belief: There's something wrong with me. Action afraid to be taken: Going to a new job. Now what?
"No wonder you don't want that, if that's what you believe"
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Now I stay with this "something," feeling it there in the stomach, keeping it company with my awareness, and listening respectfully.
I say to it: "Ah, you're feeling fearful that if we go to that new place, they'll see what's wrong with us."
Because there's a negative belief involved, I add my "no wonder" phrase which is so powerful with negative beliefs: "No wonder you don't want to go there, if that's what you believe will happen."
I don't say this like I know better, I say it with warm compassion: "Ah, no wonder. Of course." My hope is that this place in me will feel deeply understood.
When it does, it will start to shift. And that's what I feel is missing from the method you are describing–and so many other methods that don't include an understanding of the implicit dimension. In Focusing, something starts to shift when it is fully heard and understood from Self-in-Presence. There's no need to argue, negotiate, reason with it, etc.
Those other methods assume it isn't going to change! Language like "ego-mind" tends to reinforce the view that these states are essentially unchangeable.
In Inner Relationship Focusing, we know that everything is process. By being with what we feel, encountering it directly without assumptions, cultivating a relationship of respect, we experience that change–what we call a "felt shift."
Of course we don't do what it's afraid of until that happens. But in the larger scheme of things, that won't be very long.