“Is there a safe way to put Focusing attention on huge anger?”
A Reader writes:
“I was fired from the job I’d had for over 30 years. I’ve suffered a great financial loss, because of the reduction in the pension I’ve worked for all these years. As great a loss as that is, the emotional damage from this action seems far greater and even less manageable.
“One place where I falter is when the anger gets so big it seems like it could take over. I’ve sensed a desire to break things, say things I’d regret, throw things, or even worse than all that, strike out in some way that would cause me harm — my joints and bones aren’t as tough as they used to be! And what if I hurt someone else? At those moments, in Focusing sessions and at other times, I’ve slammed the lid down on that anger and held it off.
“So here’s my question. Is there a safe way — safe for me, safe for my listener — to put attention on something in me that is hugely angry with something that has happened to me? That wants to lash out at the people who did the damage? That wants to say all the terrible things that boil up inside from what seems at times like a full chorus of angry voices?”
Dear Reader,
Yes, a huge “something in you” is very angry. It wants to strike out, to get revenge, to hurt the ones who hurt it, to say terrible things to them.
And it needs for YOU, Self-in-Presence, to understand and get HOW very angry it is. How wronged it feels! How much it wants to strike back!
Anger usually comes from a deep knowing that what happened was WRONG. It often has to do with “fair” and “unfair,” with “justice” and “injustice.” It sounds like something in you is deeply feeling the wrongness, the unfairness, and the injustice of what happened to you.
Does that fit?
And I’m also hearing that there is another something in you that feels “unsafe” in the presence of that very angry part. Afraid that the angry part could take over. And that’s the part that slams the lid on.
Notice that what that literally means is that something in you is afraid that YOU will not be able to be Self-in-Presence and hold the space for the part that is so angry. That part too need to be acknowledged.
What does it look like and sound like, when a person is holding Self-in-Presence with a part of them that is SO angry?
You’d see and hear a person who is careful to use Presence language. Instead of “I am angry,” that person would say, “I am sensing something in me is angry.” The voice doesn’t have to be quiet and sweet. That wouldn’t be true to the feeling! But there is a clear difference between the “I” of Self-in-Presence and the “something” that is so angry.
“I’m letting it know I really hear how much wants to smash and kick.”
Instead of saying “I want to kick out and smash things,” be sure to say, “IT wants to kick out and smash things.” Taking care with language like this can be a powerful support to staying Self-in-Presence.
And then say to it, with strength in your voice, “I really hear HOW MUCH you want to kick out and smash things.”
And then listen to what is UNDER the impulse to kick and smash. What really brings transformation is never the discussion about what action to take…it’s hearing and acknowledging what drives the impulse to action.
(In addictions there are also parts that want to take action. We can hold space for them, and listen to how much they want to __________, without taking those actions…but also without pushing the part away. There is more underneath.)
After you’ve deeply acknowledged its anger, and it knows you are listening, you might invite it to let you know what feels SO angering to it. The answer might seem obvious to you, but this is a listening process, so this part of you needs to be heard, however obvious what it says might be. And you might be surprised…if you listen without preconceptions.
Underneath its anger there will be something more…and the safety for hearing that comes from YOU being there, steady and calm, holding the part that is angry right now so that it really knows YOU are there.