“I don’t want the intrusive memories and dissociation any more.”
A Reader writes:
“Since I’ve started working on a 2-year-old part that went through some surgery and perceived it as something like abuse/torture/murder/assault, I’ve been experiencing some mild dissociation. The part blocks me from going further into it because it feels that it’s better to keep its memory/knowing out of my sight. It’s afraid that once I will know what it knows, although the pain itself will be reprocessed, I will live with that memory forever. It’s afraid I will be tormented forever from knowing how what those doctors did destroyed the next 20 years of my life, and that I will never see people the same again. It feels that it’s better if I don’t know…
“I saw an image of a 2-year-old girl locking up the pain in a little locker, and then turning around to me — emotionless, cold, no aliveness left in her…
“How do I go from here? The adult part knows it can’t live with the intrusive memories, emotional pain, and dissociation anymore…but the child part feels it’s better for me to not know what lies deeper at the child’s knowing, since it may destroy me and create another feeling about that feeling — anger. As well, I also sense the child itself separated the pain from itself somehow…”
Dear Reader,
Aren’t parts interesting? The little one doesn’t want you to know something that you obviously already know!
Everything you are describing is a natural and understandable response to trauma. It is not as well known as it could be, how traumatizing medical operations can be for children. I recommend a book called Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes by Peter Levine. Levine has worked with many people severely traumatized by medical procedures in childhood. The book also has great advice for parents whose children need to have operations.
Levine’s work, Somatic Experiencing, combines well with Focusing. You can use Focusing to keep gentle company with those parts that are distressed, and listen to what they don’t want to have happen…as you are clearly already doing. Then add SE to invite the body to make the movements that were blocked at the time of the trauma. (I hope you’re working with a psychotherapist or counselor on this — you shouldn’t have to go it alone.)
When bringing Focusing to a serious issue like this, I feel it is most important to attend to the inner relationship. That means YOU being Self-in-Presence, being the listener, not taking sides with any part. You have described two parts, a child part and an “adult” part. Be sure to say hello to each one.
“I am saying hello to the part of me that doesn’t want intrusive memories and dissociation any more, and I am saying hello to the part of me that feels it is better for me not to know…”
I get the impression, dear Reader, that you feel it is up to you to decide which one of them is right. That will just make you identified with a part again. As Self-in-Presence, we do not decide who is right.
As Self-in-Presence we know something that no part knows. We know that this will change. Parts of us feel scared and urgent for something to happen and tired of the struggle. But change is natural, and the body’s own change is ready to happen when there is enough space without pressure.
So be that space. Keep turning toward what is here, allowing it to be as it is. Yes, it has been this way for a long time. But the difference now is that you are here.