Protecting the person by killing the "baby"
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Last
week I answered a question about self-destructive thoughts, especially
the type where something inside says, "I'm going to kill you!"
I shared my guess, based on years of helping with difficult processes,
that a part is trying to protect the person by trying to kill off or
destroy the "weak," emotional, helpless part. A weak, emotional,
helpless part is often experienced as like a baby. So: some part wants
to kill the inner baby.
I received some emails asking me to clarify this further. I'd be glad to.
First:
What protects you and strengthens you and enables you to be with these
deep places is that YOU are Self-in-Presence. That means that YOU are
grounded and fearless, compassionate and curious. Self-in-Presence is a
way of being that is cultivated in use–in other words, you become it
by being it. So when YOU say "Hello I know you're there" to something
in you that is painful or difficult, you become the one who can say
Hello like that.
So let's say you're lying in bed at night and
the self-destructive thoughts start to come. Say it this way:
"Something in me says it wants to kill me."
Now say it this way: "Something in me says it wants to kill something in me."
What we now hope is that YOU can acknowledge both of those "somethings," be with them, and be curious about them.
To
give you a head start on your curiosity, I can guarantee you that a
part of you that is attacking, critical, or restrictive is certain to
have this type of emotion underneath: Worry. It's sure to be worried
about something, trying to prevent something happening that it is
worried about. Knowing this is more likely to spark your compassion.
In fact, "worry" is a rather mild word. The more vicious the attack, the more terrified the attacker.
That's right! The attacker is terrified. It's terrified what will
happen to YOU (the whole person) if the weak, helpless part is allowed
to live.
How this can start to change
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It
has been this way for a long time, unchanging and seemingly
unchangeable. But it can change… and in fact, once YOU are with it,
as Self-in-Presence, it has already started to change.
It (the
part that is terrified and attacking) has felt utterly alone. And now
YOU are with it. You aren't judging it, you aren't trying to kill it in
turn. Instead, you are calmly and steadily being there with it, letting
it know you understand how terrified it is.
This can't help but bring change.
I'm
not saying this is easy. These are difficult places, and it helps a lot
to have someone with you as you meet them–a friend, a Focusing
partner, a therapist. But in the middle of the night you may not have
anyone, and at least you have YOU, Self-in-Presence, calm, curious, and
strong.