Thanks
to all of you who responded to the "killing the baby" posts. Here is
what one of you said: "Thank you so much for the clarification. It is
so helpful, because I have this happen a lot. Last night it came to me
as a vicious alligator, attacking and killing kittens and children.
Then I started to feed it string cheese and pay attention to it, and it
started to soften and I could feel how alone it was and afraid and
isolated."
Isn't that perfect? What starts out as a vicious
alligator "killing kittens and children" (aren't kittens the classic
symbol of helplessness?) softens and starts to show its own vulnerable
side when treated with affection. I love it.
This week we have a
related question–about the firestorm of rage and shame that can be
ignited by a certain type of criticism from others. Can Focusing help?
Read on…
"A person who criticizes me ignites a firestorm inside"
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A Reader writes: "I find that often my relationships in the outer world mirror my
inner dynamic of fierce critic vs. the despised one. A person who
criticizes or belittles me in the outer world ignites a firestorm inside (and
sometimes outside) that's all-consuming. That firestorm unleashes both
the inner critic, who wants to lash out at the outer threat, and the wounded
one who carries a lifetime of pain. Finding Presence in that moment when
my whole body is burning and screaming and roaring with rage and anguish just
doesn't feel possible.
"Even when I am eventually able to find Presence with a trusted
partner about the incident, my relationships in the outer world haven't
changed. The people who are criticizing want what's best for themselves
(not me – the difference between inner and outer relationships!). They're
either scapegoating me to distract themselves from their own problems, or they're
trying to force me to leave (send me into exile) because I am the despised one
that they want no part of.
"If you're wondering why I stay in these kinds of critical
relationships, the answer is that I don't – I eventually leave – but then
history repeats itself – different faces in the same destructive dance."
Dear Reader,
What an
important and powerful question, and thank you for your courage to
share it with us. You already know that inner parts and outer
relationships mirror each other, yet you are facing what many of us
face: how difficult it is to find Presence in the heat of the moment,
when the defending and protecting partial-selves are activated.
You've
discovered there is a "wounded one" in you who "carries a lifetime of
pain." There is a direct connection between the pain of this deep inner
place and the raging fury of the inner protectors. Can this pain shift?
Yes, it can… but there are undoubtedly parts of you that don't
believe that.
In my experience, changing this kind of situation
starts in the safety of a trusted Focusing relationship. More than just
finding equilibrium about one incident, you'll need to go further, and
seek a deeper contact with the places in you that probably seem
unchangeable.
It starts with Self-in-Presence in body
awareness, feeling your body in this present moment, in your
surroundings… feeling your body's contact on what you're sitting
on… feeling how you are
larger than your problems and issues. Making a safe space inside you
where even the most ashamed and despised parts of you can be welcomed.
It takes time… luckily, we have patience!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On
the inner journey into safety and trust, you may first encounter
wariness and mistrust. That may mean feeling "nothing" at
first–perhaps "numb," or "blank," or "foggy." You need to let that be
OK. As you stay in steady contact with what you experience, however
slight or vague it is, trust increases. More starts to be felt.
As
you begin to feel something, you may also encounter inner attacks or
criticizing. There are likely to be parts of you that want to guard you
from emotions and to attack the smaller, more wounded parts of you.
Oddly enough, they think they are doing that to protect you.
It's
not a quick journey. It takes time. Luckily, when you are solidly
Self-in-Presence, you have time… And if you start feeling impatient
or urgent, you can be grateful that you've uncovered another part of
you (a part that feels impatient or urgent) to say hello to and spend
time with.
Ultimately, after many sessions of trust-building,
you'll be able to contact the wounded one full of a lifetime of pain
without the other parts getting activated. In other words they, the
other parts, will finally trust you to be with the wounded one. And
that's when you'll be able to sense what kind of contact it would like
from you, and just be with it. That is a healing process.
Once that happens, the outer relationships will change. They'll have to.