“When the trigger is from my childhood, it causes me anxiety all day long.”
Jenny writes:
“I have a question. When I Focus I start to see the source of the ‘felt sense,’ what happened to make this feel that way. I realize the ‘trigger’ is because of something from my childhood. I stay with it and put a hand on it. I sometimes feel the ‘release’ or ‘calm’ but it keeps coming back in my mind throughout the day and causes me anxiety all day long. Also I feel it is difficult for me to separate myself from the feeling. Is this all ‘normal’ or am I doing something wrong?”
Dear Jenny,
Well, what you’re going through is normal in the sense that many people experience it. But I don’t think it’s necessary; I think I can help. Glad you wrote!
It’s very natural to discover that something that is bothering us today has its source in childhood. In my experience there is a way of framing this that makes the healing process more supported and less anxiety-producing.
First, I like to use the word “something” for my inner experience. This allows me to have a relationship with it in the present. I would say, “I am sensing something in my belly that is scared.” (And not, for example, “There is fear in my belly.”)
Then I would put my hand on it gently. (Just as you did, Jenny.) Along with putting my hand on it, I would say, “I know you’re there, I am with you, I am listening.” I have a gentle relationship of listening with this something inside me.
Now, if I start having memories from my childhood, I understand that this “something” in me is showing me those scenes. It (or she, as I might call her) is showing me what she went through. This is important because at the time, there would have been no one to receive her and her feelings compassionately with no judgment.
I stay in the listening mode and I keep saying, “I hear you, I see you, yes, that was hard, what you went through.” When she has shown me what she really wanted me to see about how it was back then, I get a deep breath of relief.
Even after the Focusing session is over
At the end of such a Focusing session, I will say to this “something” that I am with: “I’m sensing how you would like me to be with you, even after the session is over.”
In other words, the relationship continues. I continue to be the strong, compassionate Self-in-Presence, giving an allowing space and tender company to this part of me that is carrying the pain of the past. I am grateful that it came, and I know there is a healing process going on that requires ME to be here, BEING WITH this part of me. Throughout the day, if I sense it calling to me (and that might be signaled by an anxious feeling) I will turn toward it and offer it a gentle touch of my hand, and a kind, “Yes, I know you’re there.”
Maybe as I fall asleep that night, I will whisper to that part of me that I am with it, I am listening.
I hope it’s clear that seeing this process as a relationship of caring and support with a part of us that is carrying suffering from the past is quite empowering and healing.
If you need help in separating from feelings, you might want to take my free e-course, Get Bigger Than What’s Bugging You. It’s a course that comes in five emails on five successive days, and it can really help with being with feelings without getting taken over by them.