Focusing Tip #688 – “My son is developing a tendency to migraines”

If someone you love is developing chronic pain, what is the best way to support them? Read on…

Daphna writes:

I suspect that my son, just turned 15, is developing a tendency to get migraines.

As a person who went through many years of chronic back pain, and who has finally managed to overcome it, I recognize the pattern, but I do not know how to be with it with him. Nor how to be with my own stress and worry about his pain, and my (potential) inability to help him with it.

Dear Daphna:

I can feel your caring for your son, and your wish to be supportive to him… drawing on your own experience overcoming your own back pain.

What a wonderful gift for him!

And I really like how you put your own worry and stress into the picture.

Frankly, the greatest gift you can give your son is your own steady, calm, attentive presence… what we call Self-in-Presence.

The message of your presence is: “I care about you… I’m here to help if you want me to… and I am OK…”

When a loved one is suffering it is priceless for them to know they don’t also have to worry about you… your feelings, your reactions…

When your son gets the message from you that you are OK, it means he doesn’t have to protect you from his feelings, he doesn’t have to hide his pain from you for fear that you will over-react.

So really, caring for yourself is your first task in caring for your son.

You’ll turn toward your own worry, your own stress, your own longing to help… and acknowledge them, using the language of “I am sensing something in me feels…”

Yes, you have tips for him. You have a wealth of experience in handling chronic pain. And he will be more open to receiving it if you are first of all simply present for how things are for him. Being OK in yourself, you are the best of all listeners.