Last week we talked about being gentle with yourself. Focusing works best when you don’t identify with a worrying or a pushing part of you, but just listen. But does gentleness mean indulgence? That brings us to this week’s question…
Can I Say ‘No’ to My Parts?
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Jodi writes: "When focusing recently, I was having a conversation with a part of me that wanted to do something that I cannot allow to happen, as it is not an ethical thing to do. So I told this part, "I hear you, but the answer is no." That part of me threw a fit. I found that this part of me that wants what it wants could only focus on the "no" and that it took me out of my sensorial experience into something that felt frustrating. I said hello to the frustration and found myself problem solving and looking for other options for this part of me that wanted to do the thing I can’t allow. But it no longer felt like Focusing."
Dear Jodi,
This is such an interesting question on so many levels. It sounds like you got caught up in what I call an "argument on the action level." Whenever the inner discussion is about whether or not to do an action, we are in a territory that is bound to lead to stuckness and frustration. There is no good outcome at this level.
So we have to move to a different level. And we do this by going "below the action," to what is wanted from or by doing the action. You, in Presence, just stay interested and curious. "So, I’m really curious, it sounds really important to you to do that action, and I’m wondering what you’re hoping will happen if we do that."
Or it could be "…I’m wondering what you’re hoping to prevent or avoid or protect from, if we do that."
The insistence on taking a particular action is always driven by a wanting or not-wanting at a deeper level. A Focusing process is a great opportunity to listen for that deeper wanting or not-wanting. There won’t be just one: there will be layers, all the way down, until you feel a shift, a sigh, an "Oh, no wonder!"
"What If It Insists that I Answer It?"
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The part may insist on an answer to its request. But you don’t have to respond at the same level. This connects to what a Focusing session IS and what it is NOT. It is not a place where parts of us can ask for actions to be taken and they are told Yes or No. That’s why, once you said "No" to your part, you sensed that the process didn’t feel so much like Focusing any more.
Once you are clear on this, it won’t happen very often that you get insistent parts like this one. A Focusing session IS a place where parts of us can be deeply heard for their feelings. Once they feel heard, this clears the way for the coming of a felt sense of the whole thing, more than parts and partisanship, that can lead to real change.
Of course YOU are ultimately the "decider," and the part knows that. Like a child saying "I want that!" to Mom in the grocery store, it hopes it can persuade you to say "Yes" by throwing a tantrum or other forms of insistence. (Interestingly, this is the same type of part that could use criticism of you as one of its weapons. Notice how easily this argument slides into "You’re bad, heartless," etc.)
But you don’t have to get drawn into the argument. The key is "interested curiosity." You genuinely want to know what is so important to it, what is behind, under this request, what is driving it. You have the power and the right to keep the inner conversation one of listening rather than arguing. "Tell me more, I really want to know what makes this so important to you."
Weekly Tip #109 -"What If I Want to Kill this Person?" – was related to this. Click here to read it.