Are You Being Gentle with Yourself?
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New Year’s is traditionally the time to make New Year’s resolutions. It’s great to set your intentions and sense what directions you’d like to go in the new year.
But too often this is a time of self-criticism and even self-disgust. "I resolve to fix all the things that are wrong with me" is how the New Year’s resolutions often sound.
If that sounds anything like you, I invite you to consider being gentle with yourself. And most of all, be gentle with that poor character inside of you who thinks you have to be scolded in order to be improved. We call this one "the inner critic" but I think a better name would be "the inner worrier." It’s desperately worried about something, and would probably be willing to tell you if you lend a kindly ear.
If your "inner worrier" seems instead like a harsh tyrant, lashing you with shaming words like "fat," "lazy," "useless," and the like, and it’s hard to imagine it having such a gentle feeling as "worry," then very likely you’re identified with another inner character, a rebelling type that refuses to be told what to do.
These two types of parts — one trying to control out of worry and fear, the other resisting and rebelling but feeling bad about it — are often locked in a painful struggle, a struggle so severe it even feels like a war.
This war cannot be won. Neither side can win… except temporarily. And that’s good news.
When we’re caught up in this struggle, identified with one side or the other, it seems as though one of them MUST win. "I’ve got to find a way to make myself do the exercising every day, or I’ll stay ugly and unhealthy like this." As the years go by, and the war stays unwinnable, hopelessness and despair add themselves to the mix.
It’s tough.
Gentleness is Powerful
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The war cannot be won but the war CAN be ended… when YOU stop identifying with one side or the other and become the gentle listener who holds both in Presence.
You can turn toward the part of you that is calling names like "fat" or "useless" or "unenlightened" or "childish" and say "Hello, might you be worried about something?"
"Hello, might you be worried about something?"
It’s such a magical phrase! And you can turn toward the restless rebelling part, the one that refuses to be good, and invite it to let you know what it’s worried about as well.
Of course it helps to do all this in a Focusing way, with body sensing, so you can make sure what comes in answer is grounded and checkable. What’s most important here is that YOU are the listener. YOU aren’t in the fight. So when the sides start telling you how they feel and what they’re worried about, just keep saying "I hear you, tell me more."
It’s amazing what’s underneath the struggle, what it’s been protecting, all this time. And it’s amazing how good it feels for the war to be over.