“A part of me is terrified of going unconscious.”
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In last week’s tip I shared part of an email from a reader wondering if Focusing can ever help with a very difficult area of her life. This week I’ll share the rest of that email, the details of the difficulty, and see if I can help.
Our Reader writes: “I can’t seem to ever get myself to bed until I am so exhausted there is no other choice. My days are nights and vice versa. In exploring this I have remembered being smothered by a pillow wielded by my older brother on several occasions. I am not sure if this is relevant, but it seems to be. I’m thinking that it’s sort of like PTSD which I understand also affects sleep.
“I’ve contacted a part of me that is terrified of going unconscious and been able to a small extent feel her terror in my body. Over the years I seem to be developing more and more of a sense of Presence, but it may be that I need to keep on focusing for this to develop more fully.”
Dear Reader:
It sounds like you’ve been making progress on this issue, although I know that the progress can seem too slow, especially when something in you longs for more change in your life. It must be hard to live with days and nights reversed, and not being able to get yourself to bed until there is no other choice.
The progress, though, is that you’ve started to form a compassionate relationship with the part of you that doesn’t want to go to bed. You’ve started to sense that this part of you is terrified of going unconscious, and you’ve contacted a possible reason for that in the traumatic memory of being smothered by your older brother.
The reason itself doesn’t really matter. I’ve seen people that I work with get caught up in knowing the reason for some behavior, questioning if that really happened and if that was really “traumatic enough” to account for it. Or thinking that if they could remember the reason, the behavior would change. It has not been my experience that the reason is important, except for one thing: knowing the reason can sometimes help you be compassionate toward that part of you. It’s the compassion that’s important, not the reason.
So in your case, knowing that your brother did smother you with a pillow on several occasions can help YOU (you as Self-in-Presence) be compassionate toward the part of you that is terrified of going unconscious, and feels that going to sleep is an instance of that.
You can say to it, “Yes, I really understand. Yes, no wonder you would feel that way.” And then check with it, if it feels understood… or if there is more.
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There are two important times to do IR Focusing with this issue. One is in your regular sessions with your Focusing partner(s). You bring awareness into your body, feel your grounded aliveness, and then invite the part of you that doesn’t want to go to bed. Wait and sense what comes to awareness, especially in the middle area of your body.
The other time to do Focusing with this issue is when it’s happening. Late at night, in the wee hours of the morning, when something in you is finding every excuse to stay awake. Once you become aware that this is happening, pause. Find your grounded aliveness, and say Hello to “something in me that doesn’t want to go to bed.” Let a sense of it come, right then, in the midst of the situation.
Remember, your purpose is not to try to change it. If it feels that way, then you have another part of you to say Hello to. YOU, Self-in-Presence, have the pure intention of interested curiosity, of getting to know it better, being with it, keeping it company.
As it starts to trust that YOU aren’t trying to change it, it will begin to peek out more and more, and show you with body feeling what it feels and what frightens it.
When that happens, YOU are the compassionate listener. Without being attached to change, this brings true change.
