One Page, Many Great Resources…
Start with our Healthy Boundaries = Healthy Life? video. Enjoy a few more helpful tips and resources. And be sure to download all the free exercise PDFs!
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Download a handy PDF guide for the exercise Ann offered in the video.
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A Few More Helpful Tips & Exercises
I used to say Yes to everything I was asked — from being the secretary for a club and taking all the minutes, to being someone’s friend.
It was like my “yes” was on automatic. And that absolutely got me in trouble sometimes… especially in dating situations! Looking back, I feel like someone must have been watching over me, because I had some narrow escapes, and I sure wasn’t watching over myself!
I want to share with you what I’ve learned about why I said Yes to everything, and invite you to check if some of this fits for you too.
By the way, I don’t do this anymore. Now, when I’m asked to do something, I check in with my own values and needs. If I say Yes, it’s because I really want to. It’s not always convenient – sometimes what I say Yes to is a lot of trouble! – but I don’t feel resentful or exhausted because the “Yes” is truly mine.
So why did I say Yes to everything? And why might this be a pattern for you too?
Number One: I had no models in my family for not saying Yes to everything. My mother, as far as I could tell, said yes to everything that her friends or my dad asked her for. She was on a lot of committees! And she seemed to enjoy it. There was an unspoken message that Yes was the right answer to every request… for a woman, especially.
Number Two: I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t have access to my own feelings and needs. I trace that back to my childhood as well, to an environment where no one ever asked me what I thought or felt or wanted. I didn’t have the skill of knowing how I felt. So in my 20s when someone walked up to me and said, “Let’s be study partners,” or “I want to be your friend,” I felt like I wanted that, too. So I always said Yes.
Number Three: I wanted to be liked. I yearned to be liked. Being liked and being included felt like the ultimate prize. As far as I could tell, the way to be liked was to go along with what other people wanted. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t right about that, because having no wishes of my own made me a relatively uninteresting person, especially to the people I wanted to be interested in me.
Do any or all of those three reasons resonate with you? Believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing. When you know what your reason for saying Yes to everything is, you have a very good starting place for shifting that.
Let me show you what I mean with a helpful exercise on wanting to be liked…
Helpful Exercise:
First, take some time to settle in to your body and feel your grounded support. Allow your awareness to come inward, to your throat, chest, stomach area.
Second, invite “something in you” that wants to be liked so much that it would say Yes to just about anything. (Feel free to change that wording so it fits you better.)
What’s important here is that rather than saying “I want to be liked so much…” you are saying “Something in me wants to be liked so much…” Do you feel that difference?
What you’ll probably find is that when you say “Something in me wants to be liked so much…” it brings up your compassion and curiosity toward that part of you.
Take a moment now to sense what that part of you really wants or needs FROM being liked. Really take a moment… a quick answer is probably from your head.
And when you do sense what that part of you really wants or needs FROM being liked, let it know you hear it… and see if you feel a sense of release or a deeper breath.
This is a powerful step toward gaining clarity and empowerment about what you really need… and that’s what healthy boundaries depend on.
It’s pretty amazing what can change when you take the time to be with it… My brand new course, Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Life is full of powerful exercises just like this one. If you have a hard time speaking up for your needs, I can help!
Families can be great! But family relationships can also feel like sticky webs of guilt and obligation. I know mine did. It wasn’t until I learned Focusing at age 22 that I began to realize how tangled up my “very nice” family was.
In my family growing up, people rarely asked for anything directly, so there was little chance to have a clean conversation about requests. Instead, hints and indirect communication were used to convey “how it was.” Obligations and wants were jumbled up together without a clear sense of who they belonged to.
I remember a Sunday morning in December. I was home for the holidays after learning Focusing, and my mother came to my bedroom door. “Are you going to church with us?” she asked.
I was aware – perhaps for the first time ever – of how that simple question threw me into agonizing paralysis. Do I have to say Yes? Do I have a choice? How much does this matter to her? What will happen if I say No? All that, but not nearly as articulately as that, passed through my head.
And then in my head I heard the kind voice of my Focusing partner, simply saying, “Hm!” Suddenly all that I was feeling became OK to feel. I now had a space where my own side of things mattered, and could be felt. I did not want to go to church!
I said so, and my mother looked sad and disappointed… I thought. But in that moment I realized that her possible sadness and disappointment were not my fault, not my job to fix. They were hers.
It wasn’t always easy after that. My tendency to believe that other people’s feelings were my responsibility returned, especially in my marriage. But that inner space where I could know what I felt and wanted to do, separately from what others wanted me to feel and do, kept growing steadily stronger.
Is it ever like that for you?
Our families can be the hardest place to disentangle our own feelings and desires, our obligations, other people’s needs, other people’s feelings and desires. Do you ever feel unsure and confused amid all that? Do you feel guilty when a family member is disappointed or angry? Is it hard to feel the difference between wanting to give and having to give?
If so, I’ve got a helpful exercise for you. Shall we try it?
Helpful Exercise:
ONE: Take your time to settle into body awareness. Become aware of your breathing, and feel your body supported by what you’re sitting on right now.
TWO: Remember a relationship where you are unsure about what you feel, or what you have a right to say no to, especially when you are with that person. Imagine you are with that person now, and notice if it is hard it is to know what you feel and want.
THREE: Somewhere in your body, imagine that you have a safe space where your own feelings and wants can live and be known. A kind of inner sanctuary. In this inner safe space, your own feelings are protected from anyone, inside or out, who might say they are not OK.
FOUR: Recall that relationship you thought of earlier. Is it easier to know and sort out your own feelings and wants when they are protected in your inner safe space? Just notice.
What did you discover? How did it feel to give your feelings and wants their own inner space? And how do you feel now?
Until we can separate out our own feelings and needs from the unspoken obligations that surround us, we can’t set the boundaries we need. And boundaries don’t just mean saying “No.” In later years, I went to church with my mother many times… because I wanted to share what mattered to her. I wanted to. Having shifted, I was not only free to say No, but also to say Yes.
If you found that exercise helpful and want even more support working on your ability to say no (which is really a yes to something else), be sure to join me for the Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Life course. You’ll get 21 days of practices and support so you can start making powerful changes in how you set boundaries in your life.
Do you wish you could set healthy boundaries without guilt and without hurting your relationships? Is that hard for you to do?
You can learn a lot about why by looking at how you feel when other people say No to you.
It might even be that how you feel when someone says No to you is blocking you from being able to say a clear No to others.
Can you relate to any of these people?
Dawn gets depressed when someone says No to her. She feels disconnected from the person, as if the person just rejected her in a fundamental way. And she feels bad about herself. She knows she shouldn’t feel this way… and she’s working on it… but those feelings still come up.
Ted works long hours and is very stressed. The more stressed he is, the more he starts to feel that he does more than other people and he resents it. So when someone says No to a “reasonable request” – especially his adult kids – his resentment boils up and sometimes boils over.
Claire is reluctant to ask anyone for anything, because she’s worried about imposing on them. She doesn’t want to be a bother or a burden on anyone. You’d think Claire would appreciate hearing “No” from people… and part of her does… but she also has the feeling that getting a “No” means that she asked WAY too much, and she’s getting slapped down for it. So she rarely asks anyone for anything.
If you recognize parts of yourself in these stories, you’re not alone. A lot of us get triggered by hearing “No” – or even by anticipating that we WILL hear “No.”
A Helpful Exercise…
I’d like to share with you an exercise for shifting how it feels when someone says No to you. It might never feel great… but there’s no reason why hearing “No” from someone else should shake your fundamental sense of being OK.
First, imagine – or remember – making a request of another person and that person saying “No.” If there are several scenarios, pick the one that’s most emotionally charged for you.
Now settle in, feel your breathing, and sense into the inner area of your body – your throat, chest, stomach, abdomen. Imagine you’re hearing “No” from that person right now… and be open to the feeling that comes. Is it resentment? Shame? A sense of rejection? Or something else? Whatever it is, just notice.
Next, use this language to acknowledge the feeling: “I am sensing something in me feels…” For example, “I am sensing something in me feels resentful,” or “I am sensing something in me feels ashamed.” Notice what happens when you change your language to “something in me feels…”
You’ll probably find that you get curious about the part of you that’s carrying the feeling. You might even get an insight about what it’s connected to or where it comes from.
(For example, Claire realized her reluctance to ask anyone for anything came from how her mother treated her requests when she was a child. This allowed her to have compassion for her younger self, and at the same time feel more free to make different choices now.)
Once you’ve started turning toward your own feelings about hearing “No,” you’ll find other boundaries challenges start to pop up, like whether you deserve or have a right to honor your own needs, and separating the other person’s feelings from your own.
That’s where the Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Life course can really make a difference. You’ll get support and guidance to shift how you show up to the boundary setting opportunities in your life.
You’ll also get to be part of a community of like-minded people working toward the same goals! When we’re trying to change, being connected to others making similar changes is a huge help.
Thank you Ann.
Thank you!