Paul writes:
“An issue recently came up between myself and a friend, and I grew agitated and angry. She went on vacation. Even though I could see it was probably better to deal with it when she was back in town in three weeks, I sent her an email, she responded, I responded, she responded, still by the third morning I woke up with plenty of anger about it all as an unresolved issue.
“It so happened that for the first time in quite a while our kids were out of town, and my wife and I had been looking forward to a relaxing evening together. But instead I spent the day obsessing about that issue with my friend and by evening I wasn’t in a playful mood. I was aware I was missing out on a beautiful day and evening with my wife, just the two of us, and I wanted to be relaxed and open, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t work up the enthusiasm and missed out on a playful celebration with my wife.
“Today I woke up to realize what I’ve missed, and it is quite disappointing. I’d like this to change. I know other people can set aside a burning issue and enjoy life. For as long as I can remember I have had great difficulty doing this.
“I get caught up in an issue, and a part of me, the one that’s agitated, just doesn’t believe it will be okay if I set it aside and go enjoy life. It thinks I’ll never come back to it, it doesn’t trust letting go. It thinks it has to take over until it gets what it wants.
“Can Focusing help me? I’m getting seriously tired of missing out on so much pleasure in life.”
Dear Paul,
In reading what you have written here, I am struck by how there seem to be only two choices: be angry, or set aside anger and enjoy life. Without Self-in-Presence and Focusing, those really are the only two choices, and as you’ve seen, there’s not really a choice even there.
When we don’t have the ability to BE Self-in-Presence, we are at the mercy of our feelings. They last as long as they last, and we even take actions based on them (like writing an angry email when we know that isn’t a good idea), which ends up making them last even longer.
But when we can be Self-in-Presence, being angry is only a part of what we feel, and the part that is angry has company. It has someone (us) who will listen to what it feels so that it can process and change.
It all starts with Presence language. When you hear yourself saying “I am angry,” notice that — and try saying instead, “I’m sensing something in me is angry.” Then pause and notice if that feels different.
Then try out, “I’m saying Hello to something in me that is angry.” You could also sense how it feels in your body.
Here is the next powerful step: Be a listener to that angry part of you. Let it tell you what got it so angry…and don’t argue or fix! Just really let it know you hear it. Notice in your body when something that you’ve heard really makes a difference, bringing a deeper breath or a release of tension. When you’ve really heard what got it so angry, and it feels you’ve heard it, it’s very likely to let go and not be angry any more, simply because it no longer needs to be.
Actions you now decide to take will come from this larger place, and be calmer, more inclusive, more likely to be welcomed by the other person.
You will also be able to meet the circumstances of your life in the moment, as they are. There is never a need to set anything aside, which doesn’t work anyway!
It all starts with those facilitative words: “I am sensing that something in me is ________.” I invite you to try them!