M writes:
“Is it normal to have contradictions inside of you? … To have contradictory feelings/parts – where one part wants one thing, and another part wants another/opposite thing? For example, something wants to live, but something else wants to die?”
Dear M,
If by “normal” we mean something that all humans have, then yes, for sure, it’s normal to have contradictions. And very interesting!
The very concept of “parts” can really help with this. I remember in my early 20s being really confused because I thought I ought to feel just one thing, and I couldn’t tell what that was. The first time I heard a person talk in “parts” language, a whole new world opened up for me.
“You mean I can say that part of me wants to and part of me doesn’t? Wow!” It was such a gift… A lot of my problems with not knowing how I felt cleared right up! I had mixed feelings!
One of the gifts we can give to other people is to not expect them to be “unified.” My life partner might have an outgoing side and a shy side. That’s OK! Part of my taking in all of who he is, includes understanding (and loving) this about him, too.
Walt Whitman wrote, expansively: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then! I contradict myself!” Having different sides is something to embrace.
How Focusing Handles Contradictions
I like using “presence language” to name and acknowledge the parts of me that are present. For example, “Something in me is ready to go, and something in me is holding back.”
I might say hello to each one, and sense how that feels in my body.
The “I” who can say hello to both is me as Self-in-Presence. “I” am the space where all the contradictory parts are accepted, allowed, and welcomed.
Next I sense if it feels right to stay with both, or if one or the other of them needs to have the first turn to be heard. The implication is that both will get a turn eventually. Both are valuable, and each has a “piece of the puzzle.”
Every part of me is trying to help me live more fully… somehow!
Eventually, with enough listening from Self-in-Presence, parts dissolve. Rivers flow back into the sea. But we will still always welcome our contradictions… because they are part of how we, as humans, are more than any category or label. We are richly unique, each one of us. Life is like that!
