“Do I have to know how I feel in order to do Focusing?”
A Reader writes:
When people ask me how I feel, I don’t know. I feel like I know what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m expected to feel, and that is all. Also, I’m pretty good at knowing how other people feel. I usually pretend I know by giving the answer that’s expected, but I really don’t.
Here’s my question: Do I have to know how I feel in order to do Focusing?
Dear Reader,
Oh, you really remind me of myself! That was exactly my story when I began learning Focusing.
I think part of the problem for me was that in my childhood and adolescence nobody had ever actually asked me how I felt, and then stayed to be interested in the answer. You are lucky that people ask you and want to know!
What I learned from doing Focusing is that it takes time to know how we feel. How we feel is usually not describable by one word. It also takes feeling safe enough, that when you do start saying how you feel you aren’t going to get jumped on with, “You shouldn’t feel that way!”
So the answer is No, you don’t have to know how you feel in order to do Focusing. It’s the opposite: you do Focusing, and then you know how you feel. You learn how to create that atmosphere of interested safety inside yourself. You discover that your feeling reactions to the world around you are nuanced, and help you connect with other people — and achieve what you want.
I’m fascinated by the way that all of us are woven into the environment of other people in our lives. In just a few months two friends and I are going to be doing a great retreat here in California all about other people and how we long to be met as our true selves. It would be great to see you there! Find out about The Longing to Be Met retreat.
