“It’s hard to confront ‘nasty’ behaviors and attitudes at work, they are so insidious, and I don’t want to be labeled as ‘too sensitive.'”
Michael writes:
I would like to know if you have advice or resources on how to deal with “nasty” behaviors and attitudes at work. The general advice is to describe facts and behaviors. The problem with this is that such behavior and attitude is insidious, so difficult to describe and hence difficult to confront. And if I then get labeled as being too sensitive, I’d rather not speak up…Do you have any advice for me?
Dear Michael:
There are many communication techniques that give advice on what to say in challenging situations, but I’ve found that what helps me the most is doing some Focusing in advance.
The trouble with following a technique for what to say is that the actual situation is so subtle and complex that a technique will always fall short of meeting that complexity. But when our body-mind is available to interact freely, it’s remarkable how wise and effective we can be!
So what I would suggest is that you sit down to do Focusing away from work, at a time and place where you feel relaxed and safe. Bring awareness into your body and invite your felt sense about the way those people are behaving at work. You may be surprised at what comes; your own reaction may not be what you expected. Sense and describe what you are actually feeling, and let your felt sense tell you what bothers you the most about the “nasty” behavior. Keep going until you get a sense of release: “Oh, that’s what it is!”
After a Focusing session like that, I predict you will go into work with a lighter step, and see those people in a new light. Because you have changed, they might have changed as well. But if they keep coming out with the same nasty behavior, you might find yourself responding in a new way. For example, you might find yourself saying with genuine compassion, “Are you OK? You seem tired…”
Behind every nasty behavior there is a person suffering. After your own pain has been heard, you’ll have room to hear someone else’s…and you’ll even want to.
