When You’re Stopped by Fear

Does fear ever stop you from doing what you’d like to do?

Today, I have to confess something to you. There are times when I get so scared that the fear completely consumes me. And until I used Inner Relationship Focusing to shift my fear, I’d get increasingly obsessed with trying to arrange things so I’d never be in the situation that scared me so much.

What is that terrifying situation?

Turbulence when flying. I don’t mind flying… as long as the plane holds still!

When the plane starts bumping, I start to sweat. I hold onto the seat. I think about how much I hate this feeling and how I’ll never fly again. It’s very uncomfortable!

Because I dislike turbulence so much, I found myself anticipating that there would be turbulence before I even got on the plane.

The anxiety of anticipating the turbulence was worse than the fear during the turbulence itself! I’d obsessively check the weather, worry about the kind of plane it was and the kind of seat I was in… It took up a lot of inner resources.

In this episode, you’ll get an exercise to bring you support when fear has you in its grip and you’d like more inner peace.

So I did some Focusing with this part of me that hates turbulence. I established a gentle inner relationship with her. She turned out to be a very young part of me. And as I listened to her, I discovered there was some early trauma connected with being “tossed,”– that’s what it felt like. I don’t actually know what happened. I don’t have that memory. But my body knows.

I gave compassion and acknowledgement to the young part of me that was so scared of “being tossed.” After that Focusing session, the fear started to ease.

But still… sometimes the fear would creep back in as a flight was getting closer. I needed something I could do in the moment.

The last time I flew, I was in a little plane — my least favorite kind — for a short hop from Milwaukee to Chicago. We were on the ground! Rock solid, terra firma. But my stomach was in a knot. Terrified.

It occurred to me to do what I teach others to do. It’s really funny how sometimes I forget to try the things I teach other people!

I even had the thought, “Naw… this won’t really work for me.”

Here’s a pro tip: Having the thought that this won’t really work for you DOES NOT keep it from working! Just try it anyway!

That’s what I did. It was super-simple.

I said to the fear in my stomach, “I really hear how scared you are. And I am with you now.”

Then I waited a few seconds to let it have an impact. No change.

So I said it again. “I really hear how scared you are. And I am with you now.”

It’s a relational thing to say. It’s like reaching out to a child, and NOT saying, “Don’t be scared” — because that doesn’t really work. Simply saying, “I get that you’re scared, and I’m here with you.”

The third time I said it, there was a change. In fact, my stomach totally relaxed. Like a miracle! And my stomach stayed relaxed for the entire flight.

When you say to a scared or upset part of you, “I am here with you,” you are bringing in the power of inner relationship.

You ARE working a kind of magic. Because a minute ago, YOU were the scared one. And now, you are the one who can be WITH the scared one inside you. And YOU are no longer scared.

I love it… because this is the fastest way to inner peace. You don’t even have to believe in it before you do it. And it doesn’t only help in the moment, the effects are cumulative. Do give it a try… maybe even right now.

Do you want even more support in trying steps like these? Just click here to sign up for my weekly email newsletter. You’ll get even more support with the ways that YOU’RE getting calmer in YOUR life.

So here’s to you… having a more peaceful life.