“The felt sense told me it needed to be left alone…”
JP writes: “While doing some focusing on an unclear felt sense I came to feel a strong sense of loss and the feeling of something being cut away. This was quite painful and it felt as though a grieving stage was the next step in the process. However, while focusing on this sense of something being cut away I asked the felt sense what it needed right now. After a long time focusing the felt sense told me it needed to be left alone, that I needed to ‘put on a brave face for it’ or even ‘man up’ a bit. It was as though the felt sense was telling me not to approach it publicly but to hide it away.
“My question for you is: what do you think this is about? A process of grieving felt quite right to me but the felt sense was almost suggesting that it be locked away somewhere quite deep and it has left me feeling quite confused.”
Dear JP,
One of my maxims is: We cannot go faster than our slowest part.
The process of emotional healing supported by Focusing has its own organic rhythm, and it cannot be pushed to go faster than it naturally goes. In fact, anything that feels like a push will make the guardian parts of us tighten up, and make things go even slower!
Inner safety is key for the opening up process of change. Would you feel safe if someone were pushing you? Empathy and compassion help us understand that when a part of us says or shows that it needs time, it is really asking for respect and safety. It needs to know that IT can set the pace.
Of course this leaves other parts of us quite worried. “What if it always wants to hide?” they ask. “What if it never wants to come out?”
But Focusing is not about “always” and “never.” Focusing is about now. And what I have seen is that when you (Self-in-Presence) let a part of you know that you really hear that it needs time… and it can be the way it is as long as it needs to be… then already a change starts to happen. Often a few minutes later there is a loosening. But if not, that’s OK too.
Staying with what is here now
The next step comes from being with what is here now. You said you felt a strong sense of loss and a feeling of something being cut away. The next step I would suggest there is to stay with that. We don’t know if a “grieving process” will be next. If it is, it will emerge from simply staying with and sensing what is there.
And when something in you says it needs to be left alone, let it know you hear it… and keep sensing for a while more, what kind of “alone” it means. Maybe it doesn’t mean that you should go away, with your non-pushing gentle attention. Maybe it simply wanted to have a space where nothing has to happen. Or maybe there is something more about this “put a brave face on it” — something it is worried will happen if you don’t do that. (Something about other people, perhaps?)
You may also need to say Hello to a part of you that is impatient or anxious about moving forward, afraid that this means things won’t go fast enough.
The next step comes from being with what is here now… and the next step always comes… if you give it space.
