How to Trust the Inner Voice
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A few weeks ago I wrote about how my "inner sense of rightness" guided me to choose the color orange for my bedroom walls, even though that went counter to my pre-conceptions about myself. And two years later I still love the color of my walls.
In response, Mar wrote: "My question is that inside of me I find opposed 'voices' at the same time. I could hear 'orange' and 'gray' at the same time, and fear and even more. For me it is not easy to find a clear sense or a lasting one."
Dear Mar,
This is an important question! We have many voices in us, and they are in competition to be the one we act on. This can sometimes feel like an argument or even a war inside. These competing voices are often driven by fear, worry, and anxiety — and there can be a strong inner pressure to do what they say.
But of course this would not be the inner sense of rightness that we talk about in Focusing. These warring parts are what Barbara McGavin and I call "Partial Selves," and they arise from an attempt to resolve a situation of trauma, blockage, or missingness. Because they are partial, they are not going to be able to bring about the resolution they seek–but they do need to be listened to.
But when I say they need to be listened to, I do not mean that we should act on them! We need to ground ourselves firmly in Presence and listen deeply to what they're afraid of and what they truly want for us. This leads to an inner calming that clears the way for the inner sense of rightness to be heard.
That "inner sense of rightness" that I'm talking about doesn't come from a part or a Partial Self, but from a fresh whole sense of the situation.
If we're not sure which voice we're hearing from, it's probably a good idea to take time and keep checking–for a sense of calm and a feeling of "fresh air."
(Of course the words "voice" and "hearing" should not be taken literally. These inner communications can take many forms.)
The Time it Takes to Listen
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Mar wrote again and said this: "What I think is that I need time before I can trust my inner voices to make decisions. Not only do I feel different or opposed things at the same time. There is also the fact that what I sense inside are old voices not heard, which need to be heard, but which are not definitive. I am afraid that sometimes I have followed inner sensations and senses that were only a first step or an old voice. They were clear, they seemed present to me, but I am already somewhere else. And sometimes that can bring hard consequences."
Exactly!
We certainly can't go by how clear the voice is, or how much urgency we feel to follow it. In fact, an inner sense of urgency is a very good sign that this is NOT the wise guiding voice of the whole self.
In my experience it takes time to listen, time to keep returning to the Focusing process and sensing again, checking again. This is especially true for the big, life-changing decisions.
It's even true for the little ones! I didn't decide to paint my wall orange in an instant. I'm usually a pretty quick decider, but for something like that, when it seemed so counter to my usual taste, I kept checking in for about a week. I've learned that the feeling that there isn't time for that careful checking is almost always a sign that I'm not ready to act yet.