“She left me feeling shut down – do you know of any better words?”
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Shelley writes: “I recently had a friend use the words ‘Can you just let go of your story?’ when I was sharing with her about my struggles with chronic fatigue and depression. Even though I know she was trying to say that maybe I am feeling too much like a victim and might need to examine issues of self-pity or being too identified with my pain, the words really bothered me, because having an invisible illness has been so hard, and very few people (except those who also struggle with chronic fatigue and depression) have really been able to deeply understand. The way she said it left me feeling shut down – like I’m not supposed to express things that I really need to express.
“Do you know of any better words – ones that might be less provocative or pejorative? I wish I could
explain to my friend that even though her words were meant to help me, I find they have a lot of potential to harm as well. I don’t think I would ever say to anyone ‘Can you just let go of your story?’ even if I knew for certain they were complaining too much or being too negative or feeling too much like a victim, etc. But I honestly don’t know what else I could say that might open them up instead of closing them down. Do you have any insights on this?”
Dear Shelley,
You’re giving us a poignant look at the knotty situation that can arise when friends try to help friends. Let’s assume your friend had the best of intentions and wasn’t just trying to tell you she was bored and wanted to leave! She wanted to help… and you can see that…but in fact her well-meaning words shut you down instead of helping you move forward.
Words are powerful – language can be facilitative, or the opposite.
“Can you just let go of your story?” has a lot of non-facilitative aspects. Number one, it is a question.
Number two, it is advice disguised as a question. And number three, it has that sneaking little word “just” in it, which in this context carries the implication: “What I am suggesting is so easy that it’s remarkable you haven’t done it already.”
Lots of reasons to feel shut down!
But I suspect that, in this case, the words or the form of language was actually not the real problem.
You say you were sharing your struggles with chronic fatigue and depression. I’m just wondering… and this might be an odd question… in doing that, what were you hoping would happen? It sounds like you feel often misunderstood, with this invisible illness. You’re aware of how often you don’t express yourself… and maybe you even have a longing to express yourself and be understood.
I’m wondering what would have happened if you had said that, to your friend, before she had a chance to offer her well-meaning intervention. Perhaps even before you began telling your story.
Something like this: “I so often feel like I don’t have space to just tell someone what it’s like for me, to have chronic fatigue. I’m wondering if you’d be willing to listen for maybe five minutes. I don’t need advice or anything. It would just mean a lot to me for you to simply listen and understand.”
“I wanted to help and I didn’t know what to say.”
I often hear from people who want to be helpful to friends… and don’t know how.
The simplest answer is to find out what help the friend is actually wanting.
When you’re the one who is speaking about troubles, you are in the position of being able to sense what you need… and when you can ask clearly for that, you are far more likely to get it!
Otherwise the would-be helper has to guess, and thinks you might be asking for advice, or relief, or some other kind of intervention.
What a relief to hear that, actually, all you wanted was a chance to get it all spoken, to a friendly listener.
Your friend may not know that you’d actually never been given a chance to say it all. She may not realize how powerful and forward-moving it can be to just have a chance to express it, to someone who isn’t giving advice or trying to change you.
When you can be clear what kind of support you’d like, your friend can relax, and trust that you know
what you’re doing and what you need.
