“An inner tyrant wants me to know I am a bad person.”
A Reader writes:
“I grew up with a very critical mother, so during my childhood I took in an extremely bad self image. Today my life is good in many ways. But on occasion when I Focus on a stressful situation, an image of a well-known tyrant appears, an infamous person. He is behind bars and staring at me, and when, with great difficulty, I acknowledge him and ask him if he has anything that he would like to share with me, he tells me that he wants me to know that I am a bad person. I am not sure how to use Presence in such a negative situation.”
Dear Reader,
I wouldn’t ask a critical, negative tyrant if he has anything he wants to share with me! That’s way too open-ended an invitation.
Yes, I would say hello. But what comes after “Hello” would not be “Is there anything you want to share with me?” First, we need to facilitate a shift in point of view and quality of attention.
In this case, because the image you are seeing is of a historical person, I would suggest you use these words: “Something in me shows me an image of _________.”
Then say Hello (acknowledge) not to the tyrant himself, but to the part of you that shows you the image of the tyrant.
Next, say to THAT part, “You must be quite worried about something.” This is the key. Critical parts of us are worried, and they are almost always telling us (literally) what they are worried about.
It sounds like this part of you is worried that you might be a bad person. Since you grew up with a very critical mother, we don’t have very far to look for the source of this worry.
You might also be identified with something in you that reacts to this critique. You might take a moment to find kindness for the place in you feeling bad at being spoken to in this way. It isn’t “you” — it’s a part of you.
Harshly Critical Parents & the Stopped Process That Results
We’re born with the readiness to be accepted completely and lovingly for exactly who and what we are. If that doesn’t happen, part of our life energy gets stopped. When the criticism from a parent is severe, this is a very difficult situation for a little one. It can feel life-threatening to be so harshly criticized by someone upon whom you depend for everything.
Our partial-selves are always trying to save our lives. One strategy they attempt is to take sides with the persecutor. If I can be as critical of myself as my mother is, maybe my mother will appreciate that I am on her side…and maybe I can even perfect myself enough so that she will love me.
From the present time, from Self-in-Presence, it is a transformative and healing process to be understanding and compassionate toward the very parts of us that seem harshest to us. They are driven by fear and worry, and are trying to save us from a worse fate. They are doing their best.
Stopped process can resume again. In the atmosphere of compassion from Self-in-Presence, what was missing can now be filled in. It is never too late.
