“The parts do not trust the reassurances of Self-in-Presence.”
Susan writes: “I’m stuck at the end of some difficult Focusing sessions with the various ‘somethings’ or parts that have expressed themselves turning to Me, Self-In-Presence. I respond from my best effort at Self-in-Presence to reassure the various not-yet-resolved parts that I will pay attention to them again and do my best to be consistent, mature, and as trustworthy as they need me to be.
“The trouble is that the parts simply have lost trust in that declaration — the parts do not trust Self-in-Presence. So closing the session with Self-in-Presence reassurance is not helpful. Any suggestions about what might help here?”
Dear Susan,
Ah, yes. Trust and reassurance. The parts don’t trust you, even though you are telling them they can. Well, let’s look at it from their point of view. Why should they trust… yet? Trust is earned. It’s not something you can get just by asking for it.
This might surprise you, but I actually don’t recommend giving reassurance to your not-yet-resolved parts, whether at the end of the session or at any time. As soon as you start saying something like, “It’s going to be OK,” or “I’ll always be here for you,” the question of whether that is believable rears its head. Suddenly your issue is whether you are trustworthy, and that shouldn’t be the issue.
So what to do instead? Stick to empathy. “Yes, I really hear that you are feeling scared and in need of someone strong to be with you.” (Or whatever it was the part expressed to you.) To be heard and understood and received exactly as they are is what our parts are longing for anyway. Empathy is the most direct road to a true resolution that can be felt in the body.
If you are spending time with a sensitive, bruised inner part of you that doesn’t trust easily, be especially careful to say things that you know to be true. Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep. They have already heard enough promises like that. So not: “I will always be with you,” or “It will be OK.” Who knows for sure? But rather: “I am with you right now.”
Ending a Focusing session when things are not resolved
You are asking especially about ending a Focusing session. I used to teach my Focusing students to say, “I’m letting them (the inner places) know that I’ll be back.” That does sound like reassurance, and a promise we can’t be sure we can keep. So I changed it. Now I have people say, “I’m letting it know I’m willing to be back.”
When you are ending a Focusing session where you were in contact with a tender and sensitive part that feels unresolved at the end, there is another phrase you might find helpful. It goes like this: “I’m sensing what kind of contact it would like from me even after the session is over.” The implication is that inner contact doesn’t have to end just because Focusing is ending. And that makes sense, really. We can live a Focusing-oriented life where some degree of our attention is inward, even when we are moving around and talking to others. We don’t have to abandon the tenderest parts of ourselves in order to attend to the business of life. That’s pretty amazing.
