“Finding the right distance” or “setting it out at a distance” — Why not?
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At a recent workshop a woman raised her hand and asked me this question: “In my Focusing session I was feeling something very painful, and I tried to find the right distance from it, but it held on tight to me, and I couldn’t get any distance. I felt smothered. What could I do?”
A few days later I heard this question from a Focusing practitioner: “I had a client who was feeling something too much for her, and I was trying to help her set it out at a distance, but she had such a hard time doing that. She was starting to be scared of it. What could I do?”
My answer:
I am aware that some teachers and practitioners of Focusing use methods of “finding the right distance” or “setting it out at a distance.” This is related to Gendlin’s “clearing a space” which he wrote about in his book Focusing… although setting things out is not the only way to do clearing a space.
Some people find these methods helpful, and of course they should keep using them if that is so. But when problems arise, my recommendation is to shift to something rather different: RELATIONSHIP instead of DISTANCE.
When you are Self-in-Presence with your own process, you are unafraid of whatever comes, and it can come as strongly as it needs to. The way to BE Self-in-Presence is to use Presence language: “I’m sensing something in me…” and to acknowledge or say hello to the felt experience. Then you can feel that you are the one who can say hello… you are not merged or caught up, either in the experience or in the response to it.
To the woman who said, “It held on tight to me, I couldn’t get any distance, I felt smothered,” I said: “Maybe it’s holding on so tight because it doesn’t want to move. Maybe it feels more safe being where it is. You are sensing something in you feeling smothered… Maybe you could say Hello to something in you feeling smothered.”
If she can say Hello to the original feeling and let it be where it is, and also say Hello to the “feeling about the feeling,” she is quite likely to experience her self as larger, calmer, with the space to be with both of them.
Repeating experiences of exile and rejection
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Setting our feelings away from us can repeat and restimulate the experiences of exile and rejection that are often aspects of our more difficult life issues. Keeping the feelings close by, in an atmosphere of acceptance, can be a healing process, countering the rejection experienced earlier.
To the man who said his client was scared of her feelings and had a hard time setting them out, I suggested: “You might want to support her in feeling stronger in her Self-in-Presence. Perhaps have her say Hello to something in her that is scared. With your support, she can keep company with all that, and be the listener to her inner places.”
When a practitioner helps a client to find distance, it can seem as if the practitioner agrees, “that is too much for you.” Whereas when a practitioner helps a client strengthen Self-in-Presence, the client has an experience of being able and strong, which can give him or her resources beyond the session.
So the key here is relationship, BEING WITH the felt experience. When YOU can be with SOMETHING that you feel, both you and “it” can feel safer.
