“I have parts that say things like, ‘If you relax, you will get hurt.'”
PT writes:
“Here is a question for you. A partner I have been Focusing with and I have both met ‘parts’ that say something like: ‘If you allow yourself to ____ (relax, feel safe, etc.), eventually something will happen and you won’t be prepared to handle/recognize/defend against it, etc., and you will get hurt.’
“We have worked with these ‘parts’ during difficult times and during peaceful times in our lives but they still persist. We call them ‘protector parts.’ Is it ‘normal’ or healthy to have these ‘protector parts?’ Or are they a part of us that we will continue to need to work with always?”
Dear PT,
It’s fine to call such parts ‘protector parts’ because they surely are trying to protect you — but they are actually what I would call ‘controlling parts’ and they function just like inner critics. If by ‘normal’ you mean is it typical to have such parts, Yes, absolutely! But if you mean, will they always be there, my answer is No. They can transform and permanently start to express themselves in a more supportive and positive way.
You have heard me say that inner critics (‘controllers’) are always worried about something. It’s quite clear what yours are worried about: that you will get hurt.
Like most ‘controlling’ parts, these parts are advising you to suppress emotions. In this case, they want you to suppress emotions of ease and relaxation. Their motivation is anxiety. In my view, ‘controlling parts’ are parts of us that are quite young, which came into being long ago when you didn’t have a strong Self-in-Presence (in yourself or in those around you) to handle tough situations.
They want to sound like wise advisers but they are not: they are kids, home alone. Doing their best…but now, YOU are here.
I would respond to them like this: “Ah! I really hear that you’re not wanting me to get hurt. Please tell me more about what you are afraid might happen. I am listening.”
“If you relax, you won’t be prepared”… is that true?
If you stop a moment, as Self-in-Presence, and ask yourself about this belief that if you relax you won’t be prepared, it’s pretty clear that it’s not true, right? Relaxed alertness is the best position from which to sense and take appropriate actions.
I live in earthquake country, and a few years ago I was often anxious about earthquakes. When I turned toward the anxious part of me, I could sense that it felt it was helping me be prepared, by being anxious. But the truth was I had done nothing to prepare for an earthquake! Being anxious was all I was doing!
After I spent time with the anxious part of me, and really heard its belief that it was helping me to prepare, my feeling shifted. I was more relaxed…and THEN I began to prepare. Now my home and family are more ready for an earthquake in many ways.
But I am not suggesting that you have this discussion with the ‘controlling’ part of you. Discussing things logically with it will not be the way that it will change.
What I am saying is that, as Self-in-Presence, you hold the faith that this part of you doesn’t know the truth. It is an anxious, hard-working part of you that has done its best to protect you, and your job is to be with it and listen to it at the emotional level, so it feels respected and heard, and its anxiety can ease.