“If I accept everything, do I have do give up my desire for results?”
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A Reader writes: “How do you balance the desire for change with the acceptance of everything that’s there?”
Dear Reader,
Such an interesting question!
You are aware of my book, The Radical Acceptance of Everything, and my message that it is the non-judging, non-pushing state of Self-in-Presence that allows the most profound change. So of course you wonder — and who does not? — what does that mean about desiring change? About wanting results? Does accepting everything mean that you not supposed to want change?
And of course you DO want change!
My invitation to you, though, is to sense HOW you are wanting change. Is there an urgent, anxious, pushing quality? Perhaps a hint of low self worth? A bit of a feeling that you have to change or… Or what?
Right here is the starting place for a very interesting Focusing session as you spend time with “something in you” that is pushing for change with a certain quality, perhaps something like “I have to change or I’m a failure in life.” It will be different for each person… and it is well worth the exploration.
What I have learned over the years is that parts of us get scared that we aren’t doing enough, changing enough — or that we simply aren’t enough — AND we tend to get identified with those parts, and see the world through their glasses. It starts to feel true… “I have to change.”
The problem is — and it’s a huge problem — a change process that is driven by a part like this, really is doomed to fail. We have to be outside the problem in order to get past it.
The Change We Want is the Body’s Own Change
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There are many ways to change badly… by force, by will-power, by manipulation, by giving up, by torturing parts of us into submission… but all of those forceful methods ultimately fail. They fail because the change we really want is a shift of the whole person into fuller life — and that can’t be done by force.
There may be an ancient struggle going on inside us, where one part of us has always felt that it had to push another part of us to change. It believes that without its push, you wouldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. When one part pushes, another part rebels and becomes more determined to resist. And the struggle continues. This is the nature of things.
And here is the good news: There is a change that doesn’t have to be forced. There is a change that doesn’t need to be planned, or predicted in advance, or figured out, or designed. This is the body’s own change. The change we want is the body’s own change.
Life never wants to hold still, and the next steps of life feel good. In at atmosphere of allowing, life steps emerge.
Imagine a child coming into a room of art materials and play toys. Imagine an attentive adult who will help the child find things, and watch with fascination whatever happens, but who never guides or restricts. Can you doubt that the child will express what most needs to be expressed, and be bigger at the end of it?
Life itself can feel like that… which is why I recommend holding an inner space of acceptance and interested curiosity. Because what will emerge in us is so much more varied and intricate and surprising than we could possibly imagine in advance.
Enjoy!
