“I think this will be very helpful with my eating compulsions…”
We’ve been having a series of Weekly Tips about being Self-in-Presence with parts of us that might seem monstrous, but which turn out to be trying to protect us or bring us gifts of various sorts.
Last week I was talking about the difference between accepting the feelings of parts of you, which I recommend, versus giving them the car keys and allowing them to take actions in your life, which I do not recommend. I said that as Self-in-Presence you can say to your parts, “I’ll be deciding if and when we take an action.”
Then I heard from a reader, who wrote: “Wow, Ann, I think this one will be very helpful with my eating compulsions. I never realized this about parts and that it would be OK to tell a part that I will decide.”
And I thought (as the comics used to say): “Ulp!”
(For non-comic-readers-from-the-50s, this basically means that I made a sound that’s like, “I wonder if I made a big mistake!”)
Dear Reader,
I’m glad you’re excited, and I hope that being Self-in-Presence with your eating compulsion brings you all the change and fresh life you are hoping for.
However… When I said so confidently last week that as Self-in-Presence we can tell our parts that we (as Self-in-Presence) will be the one taking action, I realize now that I left out a big IF.
And it’s the issue of eating compulsions in which this big IF plays itself out most frequently.
What is called an “eating compulsion” is what Barbara McGavin and I would call an inner war between a part that wants to eat for reasons that don’t have to do with nutrition (for comfort, for entertainment, to assert independence, to push down painful feelings…) and another part that is quite worried and distressed about this.
For reasons I won’t go into now, we call that first part a Defender and the second part a Protector. (Also known as a Controller but we’re liking that word Protector more these days.) So we have the Defender who wants to eat and doesn’t just want to eat, it DOES eat. And we have the Protector, who is worried for all kinds of reasons, health, body image, not wanting you to be out of control, etc. — trying to stop it.
So what is the big IF about telling our parts that we will be the one taking action? It’s this: IF you are REALLY Self-in-Presence when you say that!
How do you know if you’re identified with a “Protector” part or if you’re Self-in-Presence?
If you’re identified with a Protector part, the Defender part — in this case, the one who does the compulsive eating — gets defensive and reactive. Its compulsive behaviors get stronger because it doesn’t trust that anything good for it is about to happen.
On the other hand, if you’re identified with Self-in-Presence, all the parts tend to calm down. They can tell that someone strong and on their side has arrived.
Perhaps most important, being identified with Self-in-Presence is a no-criticism, no-shame zone. So if you DO find yourself eating something that worries another part of you, the reaction from Self-in-Presence will be, “That’s interesting. Let’s notice how that feels.” There won’t be any: “Bad person! Bad part! Shame on you! You always… You never….” etc. — which actually comes from fear.
So be Self-in-Presence… notice and be curious… and yes, do make decisions from that place… but if you find parts taking actions anyway, turn toward them with interested curiosity to find out what made that such an urgent thing to do. It’s a process!
