“Am I still Self-in-Presence when I feel & express love for a part?”
A Reader writes: “What about showing and feeling empathy from the Self-in-Presence position? I am a bit confused about this because you wrote somewhere that it was important to distinguish between Self-in-Presence and a part which wants to make the troubled part feel better.
“So, recently, I did Focusing from a kind of neutral Self-in-Presence position, saying ‘I hear you’ and ‘no wonder…’ etc. but not feeling anything for the part – in order to avoid shifting into a part that wants the other part to become better.
“However, sometimes, spontaneously, I felt love for a part and said to it ‘I love you’. My impression was that this had a healing effect. And I think this is also what Barbara McGavin wrote in her article relating to the part which wants to die. She wrote something about loving this part (and the other one).
“So my question is: Am I still Self-in-Presence when I feel and express love for a part or do I have to avoid this? I think that perhaps, sometimes, my parts only feel heard when they also feel loved by this larger self.”
Dear Reader,
Having feelings like empathy, love, and compassion when you are Self-in-Presence is totally natural, and who could ever tell you to stop feeling them? Not me!
In fact, I don’t believe it is possible to stop having feelings. The attempt to stop or control our emotional states is one of the biggest sources of suffering. (This is different from choosing the actions we take, which I do recommend.) We can however BE WITH those emotional states instead of being merged with them.
Being Self-in-Presence is supported by acknowledging and turning toward any feelings that are NOT warm, open, loving, compassionate, and expansive. When we have loving and compassionate feelings toward ourselves or any parts of us, that is great – because that is the environment in which they can find their own healing.
If there is a part of you that is trying to get another part to change, just turn toward and acknowledge that as well. Hold it all in the space of interested curiosity.
Focusing teaches us that there is always more… more life-forward direction… bound up in the places that seemed negative and stuck. The compassionate atmosphere of Self-in-Presence offers the environment where parts of us can take their own forward steps of change.
