Step by Step: Loving the Unlovable

Step by Step: Loving the Unlovable
January 5, 2023 Ann Weiser Cornell

Have you ever felt unlovable?

I’m 15 years old and looking in the mirror. My hair is the wrong color and too short. My nose is too big and the wrong shape. I’m comparing myself to the pretty popular girls at school and I will never be as pretty or as popular as they are. It feels like being locked out in the cold, excluded from everything good. And doomed.

“I’m unlovable.” My 15 year old self is sure of that. “My hair, my face, my clothes… All of it is wrong.”

It’s painful not to accept yourself at such a deep level, so I tucked those feelings away in a dark corner and went about my life. I went to college, found friends, had adventures… But always there was a secret, painful lack of self acceptance deep inside.

Then I learned Focusing. I learned how to welcome and turn toward the dark places inside. That was scary at first! But I discovered that the “truth” of “I’m unlovable, as I am” was not written in stone and unchangeable. It led me to vulnerable young part of me who needed my love, and since that young part of me touched my heart, I found it easy to love and accept her.

It can be so amazing to discover that there is nothing unlovable inside of you. That every part of you is as beautiful as a newborn lamb.

I’ve got an exercise for you today so you can feel a bit of the self acceptance for yourself. Are you ready?

One. Take some time to get grounded and feel your body supported. Set the intention that you are going to be gentle with yourself.

Two. Do you feel there’s something about you that isn’t lovable or that you can’t accept about yourself? It could be something physical (like your nose), or something not so visible (like your vulnerability). Say the words “there is something in me that feels that my _____ is unlovable.“

Three. Notice how it feels to say those words without trying to agree or disagree. Just being there. Does it make a difference?

Embracing what you feel is the beginning of a radically different life, Focusing shows you the practices and processes you can use to accept everything you feel, even the tough stuff.



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