“My desire for self-improvement seems motivated by ego or by some part of me that’s criticizing me.”
This week’s Tip is written by my friend and colleague Fiona Parr, a Focusing teacher in the UK who also works by phone and Skype.
A Focuser writes:
I’m wary of simply treating Focusing as a Self-Improvement Tool, since this feels at best ego-driven and at worst motivated by a part of me that’s criticizing some other aspect of me. To take a specific example, I realize that I sometimes ‘helpfully’ offer answers in a group setting, thereby shutting out other people’s perspectives, and that’s behavior I would like to change. However, going in to the meeting full of good resolutions to behave differently this time doesn’t work.
Dear Focuser (writes Fiona Parr):
You have identified two traps that you want to avoid: creating change that is ego-driven; and being motivated by a part of you that is criticizing another aspect of you. You don’t want Focusing to be yet another self-improvement tool, which can then be harnessed by the ego for its own self-serving ends. You realize that Focusing is so much more than self-improvement, and you want to treat it with respect. You are concerned that, like any powerful process, it could be misused, and end up being counterproductive.
I suggest that when you have a desire for change, there is something in you that is not-wanting something. You feel that something in your life is not working, and you want to do something to change it. This is perfectly natural and acceptable. Like the captain of a ship, we are steering a course through the ocean, constantly correcting and adjusting the direction of travel.
Where does the impulse for change come from? In your example, you notice that you helpfully offer answers in a group setting. There may be nothing wrong in that. It could be helpful to others. However, in this case you noticed the effect of shutting out other people’s perspectives, and this is what you are not wanting to do.
When you are Focusing, you can recall that situation and get a sense of how the whole thing feels in your body. You can find the enthusiastic part of you that wants to offer your insights and helpful contributions in a group situation; and you noticed that what you did may have shut other people out. As you stay with your body sense of the whole feel of it, something may come that shows you how it feels there. See if you can find a few words that describe it. There may be an image or descriptive metaphor.
As you stay with it, you may find that it emerges as a distinct part of you. You can sense into what it wants and what it doesn’t want. There is a deeper implying that can reveal itself if you stay with it. Take time to receive the message and let it know that you hear it. And then ask again, what it doesn’t want if that happens. For instance, you may find that this part of you doesn’t want to shut other people out because it values their contributions as well. Or maybe it doesn’t want you to be seen as dominating. And then you would ask, what does it not want if you were to be seen as dominating. What would it not want then? You are going deeper into what’s implied in the initial not-wanting. And then look for the deepest wanted feelings. Find the life energy that is contained there.
There is a lot more that can be said about this, which I have learned from Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin’s Treasure Maps to the Soul.
For now, I would say that whatever the impulse for change, sense into the body for the whole feel of it. Focus with it, and find out how it really feels there. Describe it in words, metaphors or images. And then sense further, into what is wanted or not-wanted. This enables the deeper implied life energy to reveal itself. And that is what you can trust.
Thank you, Fiona! Visit Fiona’s interesting website, where you can sign up to get her Tips regularly.
