“I have frequently had negative interactions with bosses and family members who violate my boundaries.”
Rachel writes:
I have frequently had negative interactions with bosses and family members who violate my boundaries. I have a part that keeps trying to dialogue with them even when they discount my feelings, beliefs, competence, etc. Instead of leaving, this part wants to fight to reclaim these spaces, almost like a plant growing up through cement. I am unsure where forward moving life is for me. Struggling seems a losing battle and quitting feels wrong.
Dear Rachel:
I’m hearing two sides of you. One side wants to keep dialoguing with the people who violate your boundaries, wants you to fight to reclaim your own space.
And the other one wants you to leave, to quit.
I’m also hearing there is something in you that is longing to have good, protected boundaries with the people in your life.
You’ve had plenty of chances to feel your boundaries violated! And there is understandably a lot of anger and frustration about that. After you’ve acknowledged the feelings that are there on top, maybe the next step is to ask your body what it wants to be able to feel. Not just with those difficult people, but with anyone.
What is the enjoyable body feeling that comes from feeling confident that your boundaries are in place, are yours, no matter what other people do?
Once you have that, you can go another level deeper by asking what your body wants for you from having good boundaries. This may surprise you, because it’s likely to be something you haven’t already thought about. Keep going deeper, “I’m sensing what it wants for me if I have _____________,” until you have a sense of fundamental aliveness that you are feeling right now.
Sometimes the moral loving thing to do is to violate your partners boundaries. What if your partners is a drug addict and you want to get them help and they don’t want help. What if your partner is spending his or her parents money on dangerous drugs and they don’t know about it. Telling your partners parents is a violation of your partner’s boundaries but it is the right thing to do. Many years ago I fell in love with a beautiful sweet girl who was caught up in the false memory craze. She would go to a therapist and become convinced of the most horrific abuse. She became convinced that her very nice and caring parents who she had broken off all contact with, were part of a baby killing cult. Our story is online at https://www.mypracticalphilosophy.com/shelp/autofm.htm
I violated her boundaries to help her. I succeeded. She established a relationship with her parents again. She even admitted to me that she had been wrong about her beliefs. She resented my “violations” of her boundaries though and left me for another. I made great efforts to help her but she didn’t want my help even though she needed it. I’ll always miss her.
Thank you so much for your comments. It sounds like you acted with courage and love. It’s clear that phrases like “violate boundaries” don’t have much meaning unless we understand the context. The context makes all the difference!